Swallow Daddy's
“Comedians” Drew Bock and RJ Sains meet up each week to say the dumbest things imaginable. No structure, no rules, no corporate sponsorships. If you like JRE or Flagrant, Kill Tony or Club Random; you will hate every minute of this podcast.
Swallow Daddy's
EP #107: Nate Forgatze
Follow our Instagram: @swallowdaddys
Subscribe to Youtube: @swallowdaddys
Follow RJ: rj_sains
Follow Drew: drewbockkindof (deleted instagram due to gross incompetence)
Join Patreon for Early Access and Bonus Content: Help Us
And I didn't really have the headache that bad. I had like maybe one day of headaches and it was just my energy design. But then my sleep got truly better because I wasn't drinking caffeine this late at night.
SPEAKER_06:Which is crazy. I I will drink caffeine at night. Not about falling asleep. It's about being asleep.
SPEAKER_05:It's about the quality of sleep that you do when you wake up.
SPEAKER_06:No shit, Sherlock.
SPEAKER_05:Well, I tell you, you get on caffeine, you get your eight hours, you're gonna be Brother.
SPEAKER_06:I don't drink caffeine at night. That is Okay, so again, one night a week, is that ruining my week?
SPEAKER_05:Um, one bad day isn't tough. No, that's supposed to be for the shock.
SPEAKER_04:I'm joking.
SPEAKER_06:One the As much as I wanna commemorate Tom Goss by putting a bag of trash in the corner of the cow. Who's having a good time?
SPEAKER_03:That's all out of out of out of can.
SPEAKER_07:Don't put that anywhere, yo. You can move the here.
SPEAKER_03:Mexican whistle?
SPEAKER_06:The only whistle I know. I'm gonna try to drink one of these. So crazy, my dad, full Mexican, never did the Mexican whistle, would go outside and go every time for us. Yeah, my dad would do that too. You know what the exact whistle. And even funnier, same thing for the dog.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah. That's my whole bit where I'm I've that's my one promising clean bit I've made out of the 30 minutes the dog said I did with each was like I my dad loved me and he had me, but I think he wanted a dog instead. And then it was uh came down to, you know, growing up, like, yeah, that whistle. Uh it would be uh he just beat he'd pet me real hard and call me a good boy all the time.
SPEAKER_07:I do remember that. Can you name this guy?
SPEAKER_04:Do they do do they usually sing?
SPEAKER_08:No.
SPEAKER_06:What no, no, not this guy. His wife, yeah.
SPEAKER_04:No idea who it is.
SPEAKER_06:Ike Turner.
SPEAKER_04:Like Ike and the Dizzy Gillespies or whatever the Mike and Ike?
SPEAKER_06:No, like Ike and Tina Turner. Oh.
SPEAKER_05:That's what it was. But this is just his solo shit.
SPEAKER_04:Sounds like some uh black shit that you know Brian Gosling would have under him being like uh some guy with a gun who's on his way to do a thing.
SPEAKER_05:This will be on Patreon. Oh, is it recording?
SPEAKER_06:No. Yes. Oh.
SPEAKER_04:Listen, Taryn is there.
SPEAKER_05:She's slanging out there. Let her freak flag fly, brother. Your wife's out there slanging beef. That's a god knows who. God knows why.
SPEAKER_03:I mean t. I could think of a few things. Yeah, put the feet up. You work so hard, your socks are dirty, and they're gonna love that. Those are disgusting.
SPEAKER_06:I didn't change these at all this week.
SPEAKER_03:You just wore that sick.
SPEAKER_06:But it's it's I don't know how many days. At least one. I wore all day today.
SPEAKER_04:So it could be you wore them all day yesterday?
SPEAKER_06:I don't think so. I think I've got new ones this morning. I don't remember, but I think I did.
SPEAKER_04:It's because you only have it's piles of clothes everywhere, right?
SPEAKER_06:It's not piles of clothes everywhere. It's piles of clothes everywhere.
SPEAKER_05:Some it's a pile, one place. Thank you. I mean pile and piles. A flat pile is piles. That's a singular pile. But it's no, because even if it's connected, you it's like It's not connected, one pile. How wide is it though? There's a point there's the length of my chinos. That's getting into piles. Because pile I think the if if a pile has width, it becomes pile. I always view it as if there's two feet of distance. It's two piles.
SPEAKER_03:Two piles walk into a bar. They go to the bartender.
SPEAKER_07:Two piles fall down in the woods.
SPEAKER_03:Do you hear them or do you smell them?
SPEAKER_07:People are like, how long are the chinos?
SPEAKER_03:And they go, Are you a chino?
SPEAKER_07:Are you chino?
SPEAKER_03:Am I a chino?
SPEAKER_07:Is that a Chinese thing?
SPEAKER_03:Like, uh, look at that fucking Chino over there. I don't think so. You feel bad when you say it?
SPEAKER_05:Makes me go. It makes me it made me do that inside, I'm not gonna lie. But it's also I think that's the term that Mexicans use for Chinese people. No, it's like it's something like Chinitos or something like that. That would be little Chinese man. Something something like the fuck Dude, why did you do that? Because I wanted to try it again. It's actually not that bad this time. I kinda like it this time. It's like, you know, like you've lowered your standards so much you're willing to try anything. Yeah. No, it's like black coffee, you know?
SPEAKER_09:Mm-mm.
SPEAKER_04:Where you're like, I got like I had to get get rid of the sugar, get rid of the cream, go down, I had to work my way to black.
SPEAKER_07:Always gotta. If I had a nickel, huh?
SPEAKER_03:I mean, again, again, all I'm saying, call your wife. Ask if she's okay. I hope and I pray.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah. She's not with I worry, I worry and I pray. No, she's a good gal. She's out there in the world just living it up, vibing, gangham style.
SPEAKER_03:Gang gang style, more likely.
SPEAKER_05:Come on. All right. Sorry. No, she's a good woman.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_05:My angel. Yeah. My muse. I know. I know. That was something I watched.
SPEAKER_06:I saw a clip of uh Stephen Colbert. Uh it was an older one, but it came up on my whatever. Like, you know, when you're on Instagram, like you so someone posts a clip, you click on it, right? Okay. And it goes full screen. Okay. Finishes, instantly autoplays the next clip.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_06:And that's just the algorithm jacking you off. Like it's like, I'm gonna tell you what you like next.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_06:Next clip, instantly, I didn't choose it. It's Stephen Colbert Colair in an old interview with John Oliver. Okay. And John Oliver goes, Okay.
SPEAKER_07:Stephen Colbert, who's your best friend? Who do you think your best friend is?
SPEAKER_05:And Stephen Colbert. That was the craziest John Oliver I've ever heard in my life. That's John Oliver when he gets a little silly.
SPEAKER_00:Okay, BlackRock, you're gonna buy all the fucking homes.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, there you go. See what I mean? Okay, gotcha. So uh I like it when he gets a little kooky. Yeah. It's I don't like yeah, uh a low grade Englishman is boring. No. Yeah, yeah. I don't want BBC. He's gotta be medium, medium plus. Exactly. Um So he's talking about he's asking Colbert. So he's Colbert, he goes, Who's your daddy? Who do you think your best friend is? And and Stephen Colbert, well um I mean I think it has to be my wife.
SPEAKER_06:She's my greatest friend I've ever had for over 30 years, and I don't know who I would be if I didn't ever know her, and I will lose myself to insanity if the moment comes where she passes, and hopefully of old age she dies, and then I am left on this earth. I don't know what else to live for. I'll have nothing else, the emptiness that I could feel of not being with my closest companion. That's why old men die so soon after their wives die. There's nothing else left to live for.
SPEAKER_02:And John Oliver was like, not the answer I was looking for, but well, fuck it, you really nailed it.
SPEAKER_06:Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:It's very funny.
SPEAKER_06:So I was I saw that came up today, and I was like, yeah, that's that's pretty that's pretty true.
SPEAKER_04:That's cute. He was also on the Epstein list. Did you see that?
SPEAKER_05:Oliver.
SPEAKER_04:Colbert.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Or apparently, there was like a fake one that Sam Triple.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, there was like a Sam Triple.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:There was one that Sam Tripoli's like, this is the and it's like every Sam Tripoli Epstein list.
SPEAKER_02:It's like Steven Colbert, Jimmy Fallon, Chelsea Hamlin. Jimmy Fallon, Orville Rodenbacher, Chuck E. Cheese.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_02:It's it's the the the fucking vacuum guy, the Dyson vacuum guy. Uh uh one more guy.
SPEAKER_05:Justin Trudeau, Gabby, Steve Bascemi, uh James Corden. James Corden, of course. Well, he's on the real list. Hello, give me those fucking kids. Dude, was he on the real list? He's gotta be. Yeah, I like how you don't even know. Allegedly. No, no, no, not even allegedly. I he's for sure on it. Okay, stop. Because, and this is how I know, you ready? Yeah. As soon as that shit started going down, people start barking about the Epstein list. What happens?
SPEAKER_07:Uh-oh. Late, late. Is it no longer a show? I gotta float back over to the pond. Float to the other side of the pond. I'm not doing not doing a show no more. No more carbu karaoke, no more visa.
SPEAKER_05:I'm not even in the States, mate. Did he get rid of the uh He's done? I thought that show was still gone. He's not even in America. He's gone. That show was cancelled? Closed.
SPEAKER_03:Did he cancel it on purpose? Did he go or any reason? I bet you he's playing the angle. This is my time. I bet you he's playing the angle of like, oh, immigration, Trump, all that stuff. Is why he closed the show.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, is that that's like his excuse. No, no. He just the show fake reasons.
SPEAKER_06:The show got cancelled. I don't even know if there was a reason, but that's what I'm saying right now. Is it's because that's what people were demanding.
SPEAKER_07:Epcine, Epscene, Epscene, and he goes, Oh, gotta get over to the gotta fucking get back over to Jolly Old England. Yeah. Sip my sip my fucking uh fags and sprite or whatever.
SPEAKER_03:Sip your fags and sprite. You smoke your fags. You sip your sprite.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_05:Close. Yes. Do they have other ones over there? They lift fags, uh cunts. Um what are blacks over there? Also fags.
SPEAKER_03:Oh, gosh. Smoke out a couple of smoke out a couple of black fags. Yeah, I like that. Uh thank goodness this is on the Patreon.
SPEAKER_05:No, this will be on the real. No, we can't do this. I'm kidding. Yeah, but you can't do serious and then be like, I'm kidding. That's I can't be serious and then say I'm kidding. You mean how kidding works? Yeah. I don't like it. Be a bad actor. I can't I can't be like, no, this is in just kidding. I need more of a wink in your voice, is what I'm saying. No. Just kidding.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, there you go. No.
SPEAKER_05:Not like that. And serious. Yeah. See, uh, that's that's uh one of my favorite uh aspects of comedy is deadpan delivery, full confidence. Like uh Leslie Nielsen. Yeah. No, uh that's that's the archetype. Dude, he that fucking he's that shit is so funny.
SPEAKER_03:It's so crazy how good he is.
SPEAKER_06:I mean, I can't think of a I mean, I think I think Will Farrell might have studied the school of Leslie Nielsen just dead committed to the character and nothing else.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah. Do you think you can beat him? I could beat him blindfolded. What if he didn't have a blindfold? I could still beat him.
SPEAKER_05:You know, just a little like it's just so yeah.
SPEAKER_06:And it's also, I mean, again, comedy history nerd, glasses on, that's uh Inspector Clouseau, Pink Panther. That's the same archetype of PP. Very serious actor doing a role straight face, no sm doesn't smile the whole movie.
SPEAKER_05:Well who did I thought it was Steve Martin that it was the Pink Panther. That was the remake. The original was uh Peter Seafried. Jordan B. Peterson. Jordan.
SPEAKER_00:I'm I'm I'm I'm trying to solve this crime, but there's all this shenanigans going on around me. Martin, I'm pink. He's not pink.
SPEAKER_05:Oh, he's not pink. He didn't do pink things. It's just the name of the sleuth. Yeah.
SPEAKER_06:He's trying to catch.
SPEAKER_04:Oh, gotcha.
SPEAKER_06:Like that's the thing. It's not Inspector Cool's.
SPEAKER_05:The bad boy? Yeah. I didn't know that. Learn your history, brother. Learn my learn my. While you were learning your your drum kits, I was m memorizing your pink skits. My pink skits. Yeah, which is what he also calls his wife's. But uh psh. Listen, guys. Thank God I got her that new uh Kim Kardashian underwear that shows Bush. Yeah, the furry bush undies. The bush undies.
SPEAKER_03:Oh my goodness.
SPEAKER_05:Can't wait to get some of that for daddy. Yeah. You're like, I'm one of the gals too. Which is funny because like it's funny because you already have that. I have a gigantic bush.
SPEAKER_06:But what's funny is with guys, obviously, if I wore underwear that had just a bunch of hair over the front, I look like a it's just like a a bumpy, hair hairy front.
SPEAKER_05:Okay. But women could wear that and be like, oh, they do got a r they got a bush. I don't know what the bush chic is about, you know? It's it's nonsense. It's the same thing as wearing bras that have nipples built into them. But that's I get that because that's like kind of hot because you want to see a girl's nip. Right in public, you can see that. But I don't want to see a girl's bush. I think like she's could literally could have a bush bump. She's gonna wear tight yoga pants and have a uh have this like little thing here, and you're like, is it a pad or is it or is she wearing the Kim K bush?
SPEAKER_06:Well, what's weird, so it's again, this is only for one person. It's for the type of person that does not have a bush, that wants to display that they have one, but not in private.
SPEAKER_05:They're wearing like chic dresses or like see-through like material. Oh, so it looks like they have a classic.
SPEAKER_06:It looks like they have a classic bush, which just throws me. Who are these people for?
SPEAKER_05:I want to laser my pussy and then get a fake Kim Kardashian bush. Which is like you are so detached from reality that you're like, I'm gonna create something that no one needs. But here's the thing that's all that there's left to create. There's no more things to make anymore. I disagree. In that world, nothing. There's nothing. They've ran out of all the ideas, so they're like, yeah, let's go back to Bush. Like B2B. Yeah, exactly. Like there's there's probably it's like the it's like that advertisement on Instagram of those like super tight male leggings that I showed you. You may have skipped past the clip. It's like really tight like yoga pants, but it's in like it looks like a jean, or it looks like black leather pants.
SPEAKER_07:Jiggings.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, but they're like so tight and it looks absolutely diabolical, and they're taking wear them. But it's not no no no no no. It's men don't wear them. Women wear them. Did you see the video I sent you? You sent me a couple tonight, I didn't get a chance to view. I I let me let me just show you a quick picture uh of the thing. We could we could put it up on screen for the pod. We don't have to do that.
SPEAKER_08:Quick pickoT, yeah.
SPEAKER_05:Um I I like how you used, by the way, I like how you used the um the uh the pod stuff thing.
SPEAKER_03:I think we need to bring that back on the Instagram thing.
SPEAKER_07:What does that mean?
SPEAKER_03:Um Kapow Meggings. A great way to style vegan leather leggings is the first one.
SPEAKER_04:Oh, you're saying people are walking around wearing those?
SPEAKER_05:Yes.
SPEAKER_04:I've never seen those. Where are you going where you see those?
SPEAKER_07:The internet pattern.
SPEAKER_05:Okay, but in real life.
SPEAKER_07:I haven't.
SPEAKER_05:Okay.
SPEAKER_04:So you haven't seen anybody wear them?
SPEAKER_07:No.
SPEAKER_03:Okay. So you remember how this conversation started?
SPEAKER_05:How you said people you're like, yeah, I see people wearing those all the time, and then you go, yeah, no, I've never seen anyone wear it in the real world. I don't remember seeing that first part. No, I've never seen that in my life. Yeah. Okay, first of all, we need to roll it back. You're like, yeah, jeggings. Well, because I know what they are. It's jean leggings that are extremely tight. Conan did it for a bit. Yeah. In like the early 2020s. Those are jeggings. Those are the yoga pants. Those are like leggings. Lululemons. Yeah, it's and they just draw jean pants over.
SPEAKER_07:Too much. No, thank you. Who's it for? Who's it for? That guy's in his 50s.
SPEAKER_06:Grow up.
SPEAKER_04:We're running out of.
SPEAKER_06:Get some sweats, bitch.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, I know.
SPEAKER_06:If you want to show off your dick, get some real sweats.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_06:I was talking to a comic tonight. Toxic masculinity is at all time high, talking about who's alpha, who's beta. It's all horseshit. If you're an if you're a c if you're a human being talking about who is an alpha male and who's a beta male, who's a theta male, sigma, omega, whatever, you're a beta male.
SPEAKER_05:You've already lost. It's not a thing. This is for pack animals in the wild.
SPEAKER_03:Listen, all I'm hearing is wisdom from the alpha right here.
SPEAKER_05:Wisdom from the alpha. Wisdom from the alpha. Come on. And again, yeah, you could hit it. No, you could hit it. Is that the one you wanted to hit it? No, I was hoping that would be the button for the.
SPEAKER_02:No, we don't have to. We gotta get into it, dude.
SPEAKER_05:We've given the Patreon so much fodder already. We could also, like, the first three minutes before the intro, we could leave in the episode. Sure, of course I do it all the time. Okay, good. Uh, and I know that because I listen. And uh listen, this is the Swallow Daddies Potting cast. Like, comment, subscribe. Thanks for checking it out. Sorry that one episode. Now we could say it. Sorry that one episode was late.
SPEAKER_07:Not really.
SPEAKER_06:It was like a day late, but we uh in a dollar short, but we he put it, he did his smart guy thing and released it at an early time, and the numbers are still under the you're doing the equivalent of like getting up on stage as a comedian and being like, oh sorry, I forgot that last part of the joke, but like uh there's a little bit more you could add in it.
SPEAKER_05:No one cares. You're it's fine. What I'm saying is that uh I want to let you guys know that we stand in solidarity for what happened in New York very recently. Um when the two towers fell. Yes, of course. Come on.
SPEAKER_04:Um yeah, it's a little dated, but you know what I mean. But uh you still stand in solidarity. It's good to be here. We're pumped, we're ready to pot.
SPEAKER_05:We're amped. We're gonna rip some bits, we're gonna suck. We're gonna maybe cuck. Sucking and cucking and chucking and fucking. Can you suck while you're a cuck? Oh yeah. Yeah, you could suck yourself. Well, or you could like suck your fingy while she's getting railed. You do all kinds of things. Yeah. What else would you suck? I mean, I'm not really I was more on board for the alpha male conversation, and then you kind of go into it. Can you suck yourself as a cuck? Um I'm this is I'm sorry. As an alpha myself, I feel like it's okay to dominate.
SPEAKER_03:I uh took 1932 sips of caffeine. You know what happened in 1932? Uh Columbus sailed the ocean blue. Nothing good.
SPEAKER_05:1932. Hitler was alive around that. I was gaslighting my daughter. Columba was recently uh Indigenous People's Day, or if uh you're gay, Columbus Day. Yeah, come on. Uh that's the holiday I choose to celebrate. Columbus Day? No. Like a true patriot? Like a true patriot, yeah. Uh my w my daughter gets in the car.
SPEAKER_07:Pick her up and today was Columbus Day at school.
SPEAKER_05:We learned about um Carpenter Columbus, Christopher Columbus. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Uh 1972, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
SPEAKER_03:That's so fucked up.
SPEAKER_05:She goes, No. Smart kid. I go, oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
SPEAKER_06:1879, Columbus, no, 2012, Columbus. She's like, no.
SPEAKER_05:I just keep gaslighting the whole way home. We're just throwing out years. 1435, Daddy's career took a dive. And she's like, what? She's like, is that Columbus? Yeah. Uh no, that's Indigenous People's Day.
SPEAKER_06:Uh, but yeah, just kept throwing, just gaslighting gaslighting my six-year-old.
SPEAKER_05:Uh never feels good.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_05:That's the ultimate punching down. Your own helpless daughter has no idea what's going on. Exactly. So oblivious. Just so happy to tell you new information. You're like, yeah, more like uh 1112. Uh, I'm gonna kill myself tonight.
SPEAKER_07:And she's like, no, no, I don't think so.
SPEAKER_06:Yeah, so uh that was a fun gig. Uh yeah. Just gaslighting about Colombo.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_07:But I do love that that's a thing now. You know, there was a hot moment in American history where we said, you know what? It's not about Columbus.
SPEAKER_05:Let's take that away because he was kind of a rapist now that we know. I think he's we're gonna call it well, can you let me finish what I'm saying? I'm sorry. We're gonna call it Indigenous People's Day. We're gonna celebrate the people that were here first. Celebrate the rapees. I mean, are we not? I mean, we have to. Yeah, I mean, and that's a very swallow eye thing to say. That's a very swally thing. We stand for the rapees, not the rapists. I I mean again, you're not wrong. It's just as hard to hear. And listen, history is hard to hear. You're right. And you have to accept that. If you want to be a real alpha, you have to accept that. And I, as a real we're omega sigma alphas, OSAs. In the USA. In the USA, OSA in the USA, baby. Yeah. But then, yeah, just recently, God bless Daddy Trump goes, No, I'm not even gonna do the voice.
SPEAKER_06:No, we're actually going to change it back to Columbus Day, Indigenous People's Day is gone.
SPEAKER_05:Nice.
SPEAKER_06:Which don't get me wrong. I don't think there's anything wrong with calling it Columbus Day to begin with. Sure, the guy did bad things, but guess what? A lot of people in history did bad things, they still get holidays.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, we still celebrate Hitler Day. We celebrate Christmas, you know. Come on. We celebrate Easter. What does St. Nick do? No, Jesus. Oh. It's his birthday. Oh, but uh, what did he do? He died. But that's not bad. No, but he also he pissed off a lot of people. Yeah, he made a very divisive individual. A lot of Jews may be.
SPEAKER_06:I think that's the thing right now. If Jesus were alive right now, hot take, hot solidity. If Jesus Christ were alive right now to the exact same thing that he did in the Bible, people would be like, whoa, this radical guy. Oh, he's saying all these things about religion and what you do and you die and you're not, he thinks he's the son of God. This guy's a fucking whack job.
SPEAKER_00:We should kill him.
SPEAKER_06:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Happened.
SPEAKER_06:Anyways, off my high horse. Uh it's funny to say uh we're changing it back, as if to say, you know that thing that we said we're changing it for because he was a bad person? Totally worth it.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, I don't know. Was that that video where he was like something he's like, yeah, fucking fuck Pocahontas or whatever he said.
SPEAKER_03:Something about Pocahontas? Probably not the same video, but yeah, okay, gotcha. But it's in the same sentence.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, probably has said that. Um which Pocahontas, that was the uh the who were those kids, uh Lockheed and Martin, uh Lewis and Clark. Sorry. Sorry. In the US of A, what's the difference? Yeah, they were they were they were Clark and and uh Pocahontas was like the their leader or whatever, right? Yeah, yeah. Apparently she's like dancing naked for Lewis and Clarkis. Lewis and Blue Balls and Clark. Yeah. Um but uh yeah, I don't know. I think uh yeah, it's all bad. Yeah, again, I say do away do away with all holidays celebrating individuals. Also, is there any uh yeah, uh be careful what you wish for.
SPEAKER_03:There's probably one we should keep. Name one.
SPEAKER_05:MLK. Worth it. Okay, yeah, you're like get rid of all these. Yeah, but a net positive to the world. Incredible net positive. The fact that you dressed like a back to the future bully. Hey, hey, going full neo.
SPEAKER_06:I'm trying I'm trying to find a reason to not celebrate him, and that would be that's it's again, I'm trying to look at this open perspective. Oh, you know, Christopher Columbus did some bad stuff, you know, so did MLK, but they both did good things.
SPEAKER_05:But what did Christopher Columbus do that was as good as MLK? You're losing this argument, and I really want you to find a funny way to get out of this. Exactly my point. Okay. Christopher Columbus and MLK are very similar. In that they both did things that celebrated society. Yeah, and they both made bad choices with women. Yeah, but like MLK, everything he did was like consensual. Uh-huh. Wait, what? Yeah, Columbo was Doinkin' just Pelagon. No, I can't even I can't even fake the bit.
SPEAKER_06:Yeah, no, it's not even in comparison. No, but my point is, yes, MLK did good things, we should celebrate him. But why put anyone on a pedestal when clearly there's reasons to not celebrate in an all individuals are flawed. My point being. All individuals are flawed. Don't celebrate him.
SPEAKER_05:Don't meet your heroes. It's never worth it. You but like you would yeah, there's the don't meet your heroes, but like there's a chance for you to meet Seinfeld. That's your Even him. He dated a 19-year-old when he was in his late twenties. Wrong. He dated a 17-year-old when he was in his almost 40. Sad. Well, she was it was a different time. You know? It literally was a different time. You know what else was a different time? What? 10 minutes ago. Yeah. You can't then you could get away with the world. Back then you could say. I don't know if you were hearing the whole thing about the rapists and the rapees, but we were getting away with some shit that I would not say today, by the way. Back in the I would never say that right now. It was a different time. In this period of time, I would never fucking say that. Yeah, it's because we've grown and society's progress. I'm not a fucking bigot like we were 10 minutes ago. It was a different time. It was a different time. God, the slurs we could say.
SPEAKER_06:That's the craziest thing to say about anything to excuse behavior. It was a different time. Hey fella, what changed really? Um that's really that's not about time.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah. I uh Yeah, it's good that it's good it's good that that isn't happening as often. Um because yeah, you go bel you dip be you dip below like twenty-three, twenty-two, and then just the the the retardation of every person, it just goes up tenfold. Like you're just you're like you're drinking age, like eighteen, still you're still so dumb. Twenty-one, you're still so dumb. I'm not even talking about like mental capacity of a child. I'm talking about he doesn't get to bang a yeah, you know, just just straight number to number. How'd they meet though? I don't wanna I mean who meet and greet meet and greet. He knew her father. Look, whatever.
SPEAKER_06:I just in general, when it comes to age age gaps and age faps. Easy there. Still true. Fellas, if you're out there and you're looking at girls and they don't look old enough, if you have to Google their age, you know you're doing something wrong.
SPEAKER_05:It's yeah, yeah. And it's time to it's time. It's time to it's time to it's time to relax. It's time to settle down. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_06:And I and and I I'll go full full disclosure. Yeah. Your honor. I too have had an Instagram reel pop up.
SPEAKER_05:Pop up unprovoked. Ah. They try to test you, don't they? They they'll the Lord he tests me. They'll throw it, they'll throw a sloppy pair of tits at you. He gives his strongest warriors the hardest battles. Yes. And he will throw someone, and I now know they are AI generated. Oh. But it just it's attractive. It's a woman that's attractive, and they're doing something like dancing or whatever, and I go, even just the notion that you might be too young for me sends my penis up into my body. Yeah, but I guess that's the challenge. And that should be the real reaction. Yes, but that's I guess that's the uh a lot of people get uh they get trapped into the don't think of a purple elephant, where like don't think of a hot or because. Remember back in like the fucking like all the American Pie, all these movies, like American Pie 3, literally Stifler. They're like Stifler, don't look at the high school girls, or like Stifler, they're in high school, and he's like, Oh, I know. Fuck. Like, it was like a whole thing, or like uh it was a different time again again. The TV shows and the movies are like, oh, you're banging a high or the Woody Allen movies? Don't give me start about the Woody Allen movies. Oh my god. I mean, good. Talk about an age grab. Yeah. Grab. Age fab. Talk about an age grope. Come on. We found it. Is that the pod title? Age grobe? Age grobe. I don't know if it's gonna get a lot of views. You can't write that down on paper with getting flagged by the FBI. On paper? I can't write it down in my eye. My mind is like, yeah, we got them zeroed in. Uh yeah. Yeah, it's tough. It's a hold on.
SPEAKER_07:I missed the wall.
SPEAKER_05:Oh, it's the cops. They're here to arrest me. I don't know how I missed that. If you don't know, there's a metal. You went knuck to metal. I went knuck to electrical outlet. Almost blew the power out of my fucking office. Holy shit. All that being said. It is good. It is good the I think that's the one good thing about the Me Too movement that happened where like people folks, the one good thing, your Bach, what's the one good thing? Um there are a few good things. One good thing. Correction. A few good things. One good thing is people are like, oh, maybe I shouldn't doink high schools. Dude, what did you when I was in like uh when I was in drumline, drumcore, and stuff like that, the problem is when I was in drumcore, literally the age range is you uh you age out. Listen, they're separate from high school. It's like an independent program that travels the country. You all compete against each other. And then the oldest you can be is 21, depending on your birthday, 22. What's the youngest you could be, RJ? One, two, three, twenty any age. So granted, mo to be in drum court. You're gonna throw up. To be in drum court.
SPEAKER_02:I could throw up right now.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah. To be in drum court, don't say twelve. You had to be really good. So no one was twelve. Yeah, no one's a little bit. The youngest was probably like high school, 14 or 15. Jesus. So here's the thing. Here's the thing, guy. Most most drum cores, most of the best ones, you're 18 plus, 18 to 22. But there were some that are a little desperate, like, we need to fill up our drum court. This high school kid seems hopeful. Yeah. Most of the time, nothing happened. Sometime I knew a friend, nice lady, Shao Ray made anomalous. Anomalous. Anomalous. And Emily ran train on adults. And she was like, Yeah, then none of them talk to me anymore. And she's like, Yeah, I'm like, none of them talk to me. They don't want to be friends. I'm like, yeah, because you you all you made them all pedophiles.
unknown:You know?
SPEAKER_05:It's the ultimate blackmail. You know, but she's like, no, I don't, I don't think it that at all. But she mentioned everyone. Yeah, yeah. I'm a pedophile hunter. Yeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_06:That is so crazy too. Okay, so we're we're we're we're we're circling around the core of the issue here. And this is this is gonna be the main crux of the podcast. I'll die on this hill. Why is it that we even have distinctions over what is too old and too young?
SPEAKER_05:Obviously, we've in society drawn a line. I it's psychological. I think it you could do a lot of damage to like a a developing mind being like being like, yeah, like if I was if I was a boy and then all of a sudden like a like a 50-year-old woman is like, let me show you how good you could feel. Right. The the question is, is like But if you wanted it. Well, that's the problem, is like that's the argument they make. There's a lot of high school boys that are not claiming trauma for banging the hot high school. No, but you reverse it and you're like, yeah, throw them to the stakes. Unfortunately, the gays are getting popped too. I think you had a gay that got popped too. What? Gay teacher blast twink or whatever? You said he you it was like you had like a forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He went to jail.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah.
SPEAKER_06:Uh yeah, I I I'm trying to I'm trying to make up a hot take on the spot. I ultimately, this is I haven't really thought a lot a lot about this, so bear with me if this sounds bad.
SPEAKER_05:The whole reason that we're trying to have a line in the sand, man, woman, woman, man, whatever. Non-binary, non-bine, non-swallie, non-ands, swallow daddy, yeah, is because there are people who will be preyed upon whether it's not even like, oh, you're too young, you're too dumb, you don't know.
SPEAKER_06:It's there are people who will be taken advantage of because they are not in power, right? That's the whole thing. Uh like if you're an adult figure, you're in authority, you have more power.
SPEAKER_05:You could be a boss, you could be a teacher, you could be you just be some older person. Right.
SPEAKER_06:So you your position of authority ultimately, and this is where I think this is why it's a gray area, you could be 25, and someone who's 35 be in your senior and they're in a position of authority, you're still more malleable and susceptible to their fucking Yes, yes, and there's a responsibility there.
SPEAKER_05:Um, so So in general, if you are I think this is this is where it's gonna go.
SPEAKER_06:Okay.
SPEAKER_02:If you are older than the person that you want to hook up with, you're going to jail for life. Get away.
SPEAKER_06:Don't even look. Oh, oh, you think that that 29-year-old is into you and you're 31? Get the fuck out of here.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah. It's you're it's the bricks. State pen, of course. State P. I thought you were gonna go the other way. Where you're like, yeah, like these people. Let them fuck people. You're like, well, people are gonna be preyed upon. But you're like, there's the other guys that are just like kind of cool. They're not gonna take advantage of it, they just want to hang out. No, you know, I think it's gonna go opposite. I say, we're done. So you throw your wife in jail, who's older than you? Lock her up? Yeah. Lock up. I was 19. I was a I was a very baby. She was 48. I was a malleable mind. Oh yeah. She was 21. I yeah, I I I had I I laid with a lady 20 years my senior. Oh. What age? Uh I was 28. She was 48. Not a bad gig. And see, now you're a hero. I'm a hero. You're a hero. I could lead the movement. We we will decorate you as a veteran. Me, on the other hand, I wear a badge of shame. A badge of shame. I've been taken advantage of. Take advantage of your life. As a boy. Yeah. As a boy. She took advantage of you. She uh. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:She did things to you without your consent, allegedly, and now you have four kids.
SPEAKER_05:I can't I can't fit into this bit. But no, that was in wedlock. That was fine. Uh but what was Elvis's pickup line to Hey mama.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, hey, hey, oh, hey, hey.
SPEAKER_02:Hey, mama.
SPEAKER_01:Hey, I don't know, mama. Oh no mama.
SPEAKER_07:Oh no mama.
SPEAKER_05:Wait, you got class mama? Oh, you'll you learn an audition, mama? Oh, mama.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, you got a lunch box, mama.
SPEAKER_05:Oh, oh, you gotta learn your ABC still there, mama. You wanna die on the toilet, mama? Oh no, mama. You wanna die on the toilet women, mama? Oh mama. Oh mama. You want a snack pack there, mama? I don't think he did anything about what Johnny Bravo does. I'm just Johnny. Hey, mama. Ho, ho. Did he steal it from Johnny Bravo or did Johnny Bravo steal it?
SPEAKER_04:Come on.
SPEAKER_05:That was an RJ one. Where it sounded serious. It was very mad, and then you went, oh, it's a joke. It was no. I study the greats. Go, well, and guess who I'm looking at right now? Reginald J. Spains. Spains, yes, exactly. That's one of my favorite things.
SPEAKER_07:Whenever I think about where I'm at in my life, as far as social status, I remind myself that the first time I ever was booked on a comedy show that was a big deal. The poster had my name on it, my big my big dumb face, and it said RJ Stains.
SPEAKER_05:S-T-A-I-N-S. And I went look my I felt like Mike Kozelski. I made it on a comedy poster. Yeah, exactly. He was just so happy. Well, uh yeah, like tough tough stuff will happen like that early on. But like every once in a while, later later in the game, you'll still get humbled with a weird thing. With a weird owl with a weird L Yankee. I did some show and then some guy brought me up on stage, and then he whispered in my ears, like, Bach, like the talented guy? And I was like, yeah, no. Like the chicken, dumbass. Like, no, the other one. Yeah. Yeah, like the chicken. Yeah, I was like like the tall guy. Yeah, like dun dun dun dun. Yeah, exactly. Have you ever done that while you're driving with somebody? One of these. I've gotten that a lot of the point? Uh I've gotten a lot of things. The point is so aggressive, though. I've gotten I've gotten fingers so many times. Yeah. You know what's worse than the finger? What? I stand by this. When they pull out a gun and they fucking shoot you. No, worse than that. Kill your wife. Somebody, somebody, no one's done this to me. I only do this to them. Hmm. Straight face. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:Interesting. Just a Yeah, that is worse. That's like a I'm not.
SPEAKER_05:What? What?
SPEAKER_04:That's not a m I'm not mad at you. I'm just disappointed in you. And it's so much worse.
SPEAKER_06:It's so much worse because the the middle finger is trivial at this point. Anyone throws up the middle finger. Hey, screw you, buddy.
SPEAKER_05:My mom throws up the middle finger to me. That means nothing. It means nothing. But my wife does it every day of my butt. And I don't care.
SPEAKER_06:But when I go to a stranger on the road, I just go.
SPEAKER_05:You have yeah. They're like, man, I messed up. Well, you have the face of you have a really good disapproval face where I feel really bad when you do that face. It's like something in your eyes. It's like you're droopy, fucking like the the top of your face, you're like, oh, I could see something here.
SPEAKER_04:And then the bottom, the bottom half of your face just gives up on trying to be a face, right? Hence the no-chin and all that stuff. So it's like when you do the frown and you do that, it's fucking like that.
SPEAKER_05:It's like, exactly. You zoom in on that baddie right there, it's game over. No one feels worse than when they look at that. Yeah, for sure. I get people go, they do that. The best, yeah. Why? Clearly it works. If I did it, if I was like, you know, smile. Oh, sorry. I don't know. Sorry. You go like this. I can't help it. I can't help it. I can't hide my cherubic charm. Yeah, exactly. Gosh forbid. Chirubak. Charoobak. How about that? Get out of here. It's in there. Get out of town. But yeah, I I don't naturally smile. I have to remind myself on stage I smile. Do you know that? Have I told you that? Is that why it looks like that? Yes. If I I'll be like in the middle of it, like, oh yeah, don't forget to smile. Yeah. Because because uh humans, I don't know if you know this, they they don't like it if you talk for more than 10 minutes without smiling. Really? It's off putting. Yeah, I know for sure. It absolutely is off putting.
SPEAKER_07:I'll forget sometimes, especially if it's a tougher room, and I'll just be like going through the stuff, like, yeah, duh, duh, duh, duh. Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, it is already feel better when you do that. Right? Yeah. The smile makes everyone feel like nauseous, but better. We're not threatened. This is all fun. I'm only I'm only 21. It's okay. You're 19. Yeah, exactly. Um, oh.
SPEAKER_03:I I had a new idea for a potential segment.
SPEAKER_05:You want to pitch on pod? I want to pitch on pod. Alright. It's called uh Whoa Holy shit. It's called I didn't forget to close the porn tab on my phone. Whoopsie Daisy. It's called that kidsdrowning.com. I want to call it uh gram fights. It's the people who fight on Instagram? Basically, really useless, crazy Instagram fights. Where this one is it's it's the video, I'm sure you've seen the video of like the dad lounging on the chair and then the and then there's a baby on the other side, and he sees, oh, my baby's about to fall, and he throws a little pillow right when the baby falls. Couldn't be me. You haven't seen that one? I've always caught him. Yeah, like this. You've seen that video, right? This is his boom. Oh yeah. Nailed it. Father of the year, right? Wow. Very impressive. Good dad. Um send that to me, I'll put it on the gram or video. I'll send it on the thing. So that happens. Uh you know, there's top comment, whatever, good. And then the next comment, the second top comment is uh is a woman.
SPEAKER_04:Guess what this is gonna be?
SPEAKER_05:A 19-year-old. When a man gets credit, you know, a woman's gotta step in and go, no, no. No, no. Good. She goes, dad getting applauds and just an ordinary day for mom, P.
SPEAKER_02:Oh ball.
SPEAKER_05:Ah Hey, hey, hey.
SPEAKER_06:Hey, yes. Look, here's the thing. I will I will be the guy who is like 100% on board for like, no, shut up, men, let women speak right now. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05:And at the same damn time, be like, let the guy get a win. Let him get a win.
SPEAKER_02:Why do you gotta sit on your phone, find every video of a guy having success, and say, Moms do this every day.
SPEAKER_06:Guess what? We don't get to do it that much.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah. Because we're working. Because we're busy. We're fighting your wars. Because we're making your money. We're bombing your Middle Eastern medicine. We're taking away your health care and rights. We are on oil rigs. We are changing the age range for us to fornicate with you. And we're dating your daughters that are barely legal. Um soon to be legal. So that's the beginning of a uh that's the beginning of dad saves. Dad getting applauds and just an ordinary day for a mom. And uh first guy is uh uh uh Johnny Law, 26. He's the law. He goes, uh at to her, and maybe we need to bleep out these at. I don't know. It doesn't matter. A woman can never make that shot, period, respectfully. Oh my god. These are real comments. You're these are real comments. This is the real comment segment. And then the next one goes, and another guy chimes in and goes, Why are women like this, bro? Piling on this woman, which is understandable. These three people do not know each other, by the way. No one knows each other. No, none of these people know each other. If you legitimately Again, I love the internet. If you legitimately, passionately comment on something that is not your own friend or person you know's video, you lose. Yeah, you lose. You can never be an alpha, an omega, a sigma.
SPEAKER_06:You are not a you do not have any value, you do not have any credible opinion that matters at all.
SPEAKER_05:Low T soy beta cuck. Not even that. Like that's the thing. I don't mind low low beta soy boy cuck butt.com. I'm talking about my father that way. Okay, Mr. Mr. Cuckbuck. Yeah, exactly. Mr. Buck, Mr. Buck.
SPEAKER_06:Uh but if you legitimately think that you are making friends, making a point, adding value to the video with your dumb shit sentence comment, you lose. You lose, you don't, you don't get any any value at all.
SPEAKER_05:I leg I I again I think this is a great segment. Yes. Uh Comments Unhinged or whatever we call it. Uh grandfights.
unknown:Okay.
SPEAKER_05:We can go Comments Unhinged. We can work on the title. We'll figure it out. And when like a big explosion and then like a fucking grandfight. Exactly. It's like a grandma or whatever. Yeah. Oh my legs. Yeah, that's literally exactly what I was thinking in my head. We'll clip that out. So here's the thing.
SPEAKER_02:Grandfights.
SPEAKER_05:We're not even close to being done with that.
SPEAKER_07:What's up with cookies?
SPEAKER_05:Eat lead, grandma. Yeah. Fuck you, Mrs. Uh Mr. Fields. What's the Mrs. Fields? Mrs. Fields. Mrs. Mr. Fields. Yeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_03:Fuck you, Auntie Anne. Yeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_05:Oh, it's Wetzels.
SPEAKER_03:You have a great machine gun. You and Joe List have the best machine guns in town. That's all I do.
SPEAKER_05:Oh shit. Dude, it's not even clean. Okay, quick pause.
SPEAKER_06:I gotta pee. Also, someone got up out of bed.
SPEAKER_03:Oh no. Save a child. I didn't even know your children were in there. Who's watching your children? Holy smokes, Batman. What are we even doing? Are we even gonna keep this part? Someone got out of bed. My dad sent me a uh a song. He sent me a song on YouTube. Let's check it out. It's called Eating Teeth, ladies and gentlemen. Hopefully we don't get a copyright for that, we might. Copyright strike. Uh shout out eating teeth. Classic. Classic in the uh soon to assume to be classic in the death metal canon. Uh or grindcore? I can't keep up with these genres anymore, guys. They're just too hip for me, you know? Um yeah. I don't know. Uh I don't know what to do when RJ's not here. He's he's gone for a longer time than um than I anticipated. And I'm distracted on my phone. I'm supposed to be getting off my phone. But all of a sudden I don't I don't wanna I don't wanna not be on my phone because it's very addictive, guys. I run with the hunter. I'm the luckiest man alive. Like a fuck. I run with the hunter. And if I'm not the happiest man on earth, I'm the luckiest man alive. And just for all you swallowers out there struggling to be happy.
SPEAKER_02:No, I'm still I'm still on the riff. I'm still in the riff. Oh, grandfights.net backslash give me your fucking cookies, grandma.
SPEAKER_04:Remember that you are lucky.
SPEAKER_05:So yeah, I think um Yeah, we're not even close to being fucking done with that, dude. Uh where is it? Where is it? Where's it? Where is it? Oh, it was yeah, dude. How come all women are like this? Um I don't know. Ask your mother. Oh, wait, you probably don't have one. So Johnny Law gets back in and comments on that guy. He goes, There is something wrong with their with the unit's internal processors. Oh no. He's going computer nerd. Some sort of manufacturer defect is what he says about women. God, he's it's no what I love about these types of comments is you learn to hate everyone. You're like, everyone sucks, everyone's the bad guy. Because the woman is like, oh, shut the fuck up, woman. And then the way they reveal who they are as men, you go, oh, these men fucking blow. You're worse than the woman commenting hashtag none all night or whatever. At that point, you should have let her go off queen and then get out of there. And then he he doesn't even and then uh oh, here's the woman reply. You ready? Oh, I'm ready. She goes, I know several women that totally could. They play handball on regular basis. Same woman? Same woman. That's her rebuttal. What's the woman's handle? Uh Lisa in redder. Lisa, you don't need this. You don't need to do this. You've got a family. Hopefully. If not, it's even more sad. She's got a lot of cats. Wait, let's full size. Are there more comments, by the way? Oh yeah. How much more are you gonna do? Oh, we could zip through there about 14 more. Oh my god. Do what you think is right for the show, and then I have this this this take that's gonna blow your mind. Okay, perfect.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, so she goes, I know several women, they play handball, which is not the same thing as the guy hucking the thing over. That's not even basketball.
SPEAKER_05:Handball. And then he goes, Show me proof. Show me proof of them playing handball. Not the show me proof and stop attacking men in the process. Quit being so hateful as he got done saying there's something wrong. Caldwell has said this woman has a manufacturer defect. Guys stabbing a woman. Stop hurting men. That's so funny. And she goes, I wasn't hating on men. Parents, parentheses, moms and dads, and parentheses.
SPEAKER_03:Keeping their children from getting hurt. It's just normal life. Something that you do several times a day, every day for the entire parental leave for both the mom and the dad. Of course you can applaud all moms and dads being an amazing parent, but in it but it being a massive amount of applauding.
SPEAKER_05:And then and then uh this other guy, uh brand new person comes in, at the lady out of nowhere, and then does a quote as if it's her. How can I make this about me? His name is StupidFuck6667. I love the six I love the devil with just a tinge of the Lord at the end. You know? Almost full devil, but wait, there's some a light at the end of the tunnel, and it might be Jesus Cristo, you know? That's so real. Yeah, exactly. Uh and then I yeah, and then it just goes on, and then a couple people, a couple more people chime in. Yeah. And then uh people keep arguing and and yada yada, and then it kind of just fizzles out. But you ready for the hot take? Yes, please.
SPEAKER_07:Every single one of those commenters, man, woman, magician, as you love to say, they are all huh bots.
SPEAKER_05:Dead internet theory. We are no longer observing an internet that is populated by actual human users.
SPEAKER_06:This is all people that are fake accounts that are AI or other software.
SPEAKER_05:Did you do the statistics? Because the Twitter ones are startling. I haven't done any stats. This is just a theory I I literally stumbled upon the other week.
SPEAKER_06:And I went, oh my god, that explains so much as why we look at these comments and go, look at these dumb shit idiots making it about them and doing the they're doing the dance. Who does this dance anymore? The this is what the this is what the hate machine wants us to watch.
SPEAKER_05:Some studies suggest that as many as 95 million bot accounts exist on Instagram.
SPEAKER_04:Active? Active accounts.
SPEAKER_05:95 million accounts. Oh my god. These could be fake fucking people, dude.
SPEAKER_06:I I I and honestly, I mean, so so it starts with this, and this is what this is my train of thought. What kind of person do you have to be to genuinely spend time commenting?
SPEAKER_05:Not on like, oh, it's it's the it's Chuck Schumer giving a speech in Washington and and subs you know, being an asshole or whatever, or or Mitch McConnell, whatever, following like real people making comments. What kind of person do you have to be to jump on a medium viral video that is so random and give a heartfelt this is what I think comment?
SPEAKER_03:I know. I know a person. You know what I call her? We'll say it on three. One, two, three, my mother.
SPEAKER_05:No, your mom does not comment. No, boy, does she? She gets wrapped up. She does not, she's not a commenter. She's a Facebook not a real commenter. She no no no. She goes on Facebook, she finds these streamers who stream specifically on Facebook. Oh, it's not a porn site? No. No, no, no, no, no, no. And she finds these crazy mentally ill, drug addled, like vaguely with a child streamers living out of a trailer park whose like all their background is like hoarder, and then they're just like basically all these people hate on her, and she talks shit on the people commenting, and it's this whole thing, and then she's like not feeding her kid, and then like the the the dad wants custody, but she's hiding from the dad because she's like all the dad like pulled the put put the gun in my baby's mouth, and this whole fucking like little shit like just watching these crazy unhinged people, and she goes like fuck this person, and then she goes part she goes into the hate groups, the Facebook hate groups of of of this person and being like, Alright, we got a plan to like uh bombard her stream next time to like get her kicked off because she's a bad person. No. She's on like these like like like these like uh revolts, these uh these these uh uh what are they called? Uh justice hate groups. She's doing like white trash French Revolution. You know? Yeah, she well, it's it's justice trolling. Yeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_04:Yes, essentially. And uh she'll I'll go to her place and she'll be like, there's this one person. She'll show me like streams and she'll do this. She'll like, we're trying to do this, we're trying to like infiltrate and do this and that.
SPEAKER_05:I'm actually really on board for this. And it's the craziest fucking thing. That's you just gave an example of like what a good thing to do on the internet is.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, true.
SPEAKER_05:I guess, I guess, yes. That's not an insane person. That's someone who's in the right headspace. Still got a lot of time on our time. That's fine. Mom. We all got spirit time. Mom, it's okay. Read the Bible here and there.
SPEAKER_06:Some of us tell dick jokes for little to no money. Yeah, it's not like we're some of us help save a family.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, yes. So you know what, Drew? Maybe maybe don't bring that up at the pot if you're trying to disparage. I'm not gonna I'm not trying to disparage mom because like at the same time, mom, you know, like I'm a guy.
SPEAKER_03:Like, as much time as you spend just as trolling and trying to take out these lunatics, I'm probably spending the equal amount, maybe close to double the amount of time.
SPEAKER_05:Mom, you want to say it on three, one, two, three, jacking off. Listen, and I think my mom knows I'm a growing young boy, and I'm still discovering myself. Okay. Still growing, still discovering.
SPEAKER_06:It's very called you the Christopher Columbus of discovering yourself.
SPEAKER_05:Exactly. Yes. I'm the raper and the rapey. All right, you're gonna have to do so much editing on this. Uh the first 10 minutes. Yeah. They don't care towards the end. Yeah, that's fair. The R words fly. The R words, the F words, and all that stuff. But uh, it's very funny. My sister, my youngest sister, told me the other day, she was like, I she still listens to the podcast, but she's like, I sometimes like the shit you guys say, I gotta shut it off. After a while, it gets too crazy. She she she texted me or said something important. Let's do let's do a full stop. Sis, is it the stuff that RJ says that's too crazy sometimes? It was it was specifically you, and it was uh something it had something to do with uh something like you didn't know the difference between blank and blank. And I don't know what it was. Um And that's too crazy that I don't understand concepts.
SPEAKER_07:No, it was like you talking about like gooning to clown porn or whatever. Alright, clown porn is just Alright, clown porn.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, like it. Are you getting get out of here, you know? Get lost. Uh I forget what the fuck it was. Um I don't know why I I I go back to our chat and then there's screenshots of uh there's screenshots of Pillsbury original crescent rolls that we're sending to each other. I don't know what the context is.
SPEAKER_05:Uh but listen, we're getting there. It's uh that's your moral backbone. It's just is a Pillsbury Crescent. It's just sibling stuff, dude. Don't even worry about smoke trauma. All right, did you write any jokes for this podcast? Kind of. No, okay.
SPEAKER_04:Well that's saving for the next.
SPEAKER_05:Listen, we gotta write jokes for these. I know. I've never, I'm I'm almost always not ready for some reason. Today was just crazy, and I forgot that we were recording, and then I'm like, oh, we're gonna- You forgot? How did you forget? Nate Forgotsi. No, come on. That has to be the pod title. I think we're keeping it. That has to be the fucking pod title. That's so fucking good. Nate Forgotsi? Get out of here. Unless we did some like political war writ that it was Nate Fugazi. Other than that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But we didn't get there. We got to Nate Fergazi.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_05:That's so good. Lo siento. So proud of you. Thank you. That's that makes up for all of your lack of preparation. Oh, yeah, yeah. You even you even hit your O's like a horse, you know? Yeah, exactly. Which horse uh what is that called? A winny? What is that? Uh yeah, I think so. A nay? A nay.
SPEAKER_07:Okay.
SPEAKER_06:Hollywood? Yeah, no, I got the horse guy right here. You're gonna love him. He's not sick, I promise.
SPEAKER_09:No, no, no.
SPEAKER_05:That's the chicken guy. Yeah, the horse guy. You're gonna love him. Here's the horse. You ready to my best horse? Hold on. That's not bad. Hold on. Hold on. Wait, did you do that on purpose? Yes. Because that was literally horse guy.
SPEAKER_03:Hold on, hold on. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_05:Hold on.
unknown:Ah.
SPEAKER_05:Okay. I can't get into it. I lost it. I lost it. Sorry. Guy who's trying to do a horse suppression, but actually does a good horse up top and then all king. Yeah. I got a horse whinny. I think it's a whinny, is what it's called. It's got a whinny, yeah.
SPEAKER_07:Is soft machine gun.
SPEAKER_05:Just a broken machine gun. Oh, my machine gun's out of bullets. Oh wait, here we go. Yeah. It just oh fuck, the Nazis are coming in. Yeah. I need more ammo. Yeah, exactly. You would be the oh Mrs.
SPEAKER_01:Fields, no. She's the Nazi now? She's a Nazi now. No! I'm Mrs. Fields. Oh, the things are measured in the oven today. Yes. Oh, yes. Oh, where are the Jews today? I call these the we're gonna call these the latka chip cookies. As a joke. Yeah. That's exactly. Dive, Mrs. Fields, dive! First of all, the missile. Impeccable missile work. Impeccable missile work. First of all, and second of all, those missiles did not exist in 1942.
SPEAKER_05:But what if they did not? You're doing fucking you're doing like I'm doing tactical drone missiles. CRAM fucking like uh we got the target that thought is actually uh you're doing like Israel versus Palestine Iron Dome sounding shit. No, we can take him out. He's 200 yards away.
SPEAKER_03:Lock it. We got Hitler. We got Hitler. It's like imagine if we had this technology. War would be over in seconds. That would be so awesome.
SPEAKER_05:Seconds. That's why wars aren't fought anymore. Because we can end any war in seconds unless you're the Ukraine for some reason. Huge shout out to the people taking my tax dollars from me. Yeah. And again, I don't respect it. I don't think Russia is respect Ukraine. I don't respect the war. It doesn't matter. Anyone respects the war, war is always which also it's a funny thing to call it a war.
SPEAKER_06:It's an invasion. That's a funny thing. That's a media spin. Oh, it's a war, Russia-Ukraine, war.
SPEAKER_05:No, Russia fucking did that.
SPEAKER_03:It's like calling it the German-Poland War.
SPEAKER_01:You're like, no, they took it.
SPEAKER_05:Kind of sounds like uh straight up uh annihilation. Yeah, exactly. Straight up blitzkrieg bop. Yeah, exactly. That sucks. Um but what can you do? What can you do? Just work on your sound effects and hope to God your podcast goes viral. Dude, your your sound effects are so good. It's it I swear to God, it's just straight up loneliness. Loneliness as a child. Yeah, exactly. Loneliness as a child and not making enough friends without the sound effects. I did I've I've done uh I I had one run at sound uh gun sound effects and rocket launcher sound effects on the playground around fourth or fifth grade. I think I told you this. I was in the grass area and I was trying to impress chicks that were like hanging out by the tree. Like, hey, and I was like, I was playing uh, you know, Unreal. Uh was it Unreal? No, Quake. Quake 3. Uh-huh. Uh I was playing Quake 3 Sega Dreamcast on the grass with the rock and I would just go around, I would just like do these like 360 spins and be like solo. Yeah, exactly. I'd look at him as I'm going, I would be literally jump and be like, stare these babes in the eyes, being like, oh fucking cool. And they were like that's what I thought they were looking at me like. They were being like that's in the inside. That's what what they were actually doing. Yeah. I was like, these babes are hooked. They're loving it. And they're like, he's the one, he's the one in the special light class.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, he's the one who only speaks in gun sounds. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think uh yeah, I I found myself in the third grade just doing Bill Cosby impressions at the lunch tables.
SPEAKER_05:Oh no, what'd you do to those juice boxes? Oh no, the milk cartons. Yeah. Yeah, I put a lot of stuff in these kids'. Those bags of chocolate milk. Did you guys ever hear the bags where you just stabbed it with a straw? We didn't live in Canada. What the fuck? We had bags. Like I know what they are. I cannot believe that anyone had those. Oh my goodness. A Ziploc bag and someone stabbed a straw into. We had the cartons. Oh we were we were locked and loaded during lunch break like a Banksy paint panting. Like just fucking like that one with the flowers. Everyone's walking around like they're Scottish bagpipes. Well, a bunch of the a bunch of the artards would just stab the straw all the way through the bag. It'd be like, Teach, I need another one, you know? That is it's leaking out both. Yeah, but they're like, oh yeah, exactly. So uh all over their hash brown. We could get the fuck out of here. Uh my uh my favorite uh childhood memory at the lunch tables. Uh always almost I think one out of once a week I would do the Toy Story 2 Outtakes routine.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah. It's a great bit. If you remember them, because for some reason it's the only thing I could remember as a child, not my times tables, but I would do that at lunch with friends.
SPEAKER_05:Another friend would typically know ones. We'd go back and forth, we'd do two voices or whatever, and it's always fun. Uh Gogurts at the time. Do you remember Gogurt? Yes. It's the Gogurt yogurt on the go. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Man, I really gotta get out of here, but God, I need some yogurt fast.
SPEAKER_05:Uh-huh. Gogurt. They had trivia questions on there. And if it was too cold, you couldn't see the answers. So you would warm it up by like just rubbing it. A good sensual rub. Great, great thing to teach kids. And you'd see the thing. I'm doing outtakes. My buddy goes, hey, who's the fourth member of the Baxter Boys? Is it JC? Is it BJ? Is it KQ? Or is it C, whatever the fucking question was. And I'm, you know, mid-riff. I can't stop the act now to answer Baxstreet Boys Gogurt question. Hey, come on, tell me. Bam, hits me in the head. Hey, come on. Boom.
SPEAKER_00:Hey, come on.
SPEAKER_03:And just fucking money shotted your face.
SPEAKER_02:Money shotted top my head.
SPEAKER_05:Caked with the I am drowned. I am. Was this at lunch break? Mid-lunch. Oh. At the table. In front of how many people were around.
SPEAKER_00:And I'm going, there's a snake in my Oh no.
SPEAKER_05:And you're just Gert Guzzling in front of the whole club. It is Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards. Oh no. All the way down.
SPEAKER_06:Oh no. And of course, I'm dying laughing. I think you're not mad. Oh, not mad at all.
SPEAKER_02:Laughing necessarily. Because I know what's going on. I'm like, I'm ignoring my friend, and he hits me and explodes. The staff, the teacher's aides that were all fucking toy, they were in the comment section on that video. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly.
SPEAKER_00:Oh no. Oh, we gotta get this guy to the principal's office, and you gotta go to the infirmary.
SPEAKER_02:I'm like, we're fine here.
SPEAKER_05:First of all, what's the infirmary?
SPEAKER_02:It's I can't I pulled that out of my ass. The nurse's office. Okay.
SPEAKER_05:We gotta go to the apothecary. You're like, why do you have to use that word?
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah. So infirmary, I think, is used uh in the world. That sounds like a that sounds like an old morgue or something. It's it's a it's like a hospital doctor's room thing. Okay, gotcha. You go to it in a war, I think. In a in just any war? Ukraine or world and F I R Infirmary. Okay, there we go. A place in a large institution for care of those who are ill. Oh, well Yeah, you nailed it. There we go. He knocked out of the park. Perfect context, uh, wrong time.
SPEAKER_06:Yes. And uh yeah, so it's a big mis. I had I literally had to go like get like hosed down and then go meet with the principal and be like, no, no, this is my bro. We were just joking about the Backstreet Boys. He hits me with a yogurt. Who would have thought it exploded? Anyways, uh I'm doing uh uh I'll be doing Toy Story 2 act takes uh next Wednesday, 12 30. Come see me down at the fucking launch tables.
SPEAKER_05:Damn. You sounds like you were saying you were it sounds like you were meant to be a comedian. The more you talk, I I'm the more I realize I was never meant to be a comedian. I don't think that's true. I think it's deadly true. I think there is there is two types of there's two types of comedians black guys and Chris Rock. Yes. Uh no, I think it's it's it's people who were when they were kids loved the attention. Yes. And then when they didn't get it anymore, they went, what do I gotta do to get this back?
SPEAKER_07:And I think that's me.
SPEAKER_08:I think I was like, no, I I really like this. How do I fucking find this again? And now I'm doing it.
SPEAKER_02:And I think the other type of comedian is the people who truly did not get enough love and need and are really in a in a tough spot.
SPEAKER_05:I'm not talking about you in a tough spot, but you chill. But you know the comics. I'm talking about you, mom, you piece of shit. Don't joke.
SPEAKER_06:Don't get any real joy necessarily out of performing the same way that the other cats do. The other cats who are like, yes, I'm loving this, I'm having fun, I'm doing the bit, I'm I love comedy, this is what I was born to do.
SPEAKER_05:And there's the people that are like, yeah, this is my perfectly crafted joke. If you don't like it, then go fuck yourself. I honestly envy those people because at least they have a perfectly crafted joke. Like, I'm like, yeah, I'm loving this, I'm having fun, and then I look at like my jokes, I'm like, they're all fucking madness. They blow loads of comedy. Mike Hughes wanted to wring your neck today tonight.
SPEAKER_07:I was talking to him about that. Why? I just said I said, oh yeah, no, he's he's you know, I'm talking to Drew about the parking. Oh, I can't write a good joke.
SPEAKER_08:And Mike's like, he had one of the best 25 minute sets I think I've ever seen.
SPEAKER_03:Hey, guess what? It was a 45 minute set.
SPEAKER_01:I love that's the correction.
SPEAKER_05:I just want to let the people know that mom's ready to headline, all right? I just want to let you know that if you want to book me, I could fucking H-line whenever I want. H-line and sinker. Yeah, I don't look. Again, that's to my point. I don't I don't know why you're griping about material. No, I could give them a good show, but if you look too closely, you go, yikes, there is nothing here. Nothing here of substance, you know. Crazy. But you do realize that's a that's a form of growth.
SPEAKER_06:After every year or so, you look back and you go, what have I produced? And you go, this is trash, this is trash, this is trash. I kind of like this. This is trash, this is trash, this is trash. That's good. You should do that.
SPEAKER_05:But you Al show Alschwitz have to give yourself credit where credit's due. You gotta Auschwitz a couple of your jokes. You gotta say, look, it's got me this far. People like it. We're good. Yes. Fair enough. Fair enough. Fair enough. I don't I don't mind that at all. Yeah, you made a good point. Well, do you want to wrap it up? You want to plug? Yeah, this will come out. Oh man, is this gonna be the Halloween app? Fuck. No, is it really?
SPEAKER_06:Wait, I have one thing that I need to add. I need to add this. I totally forgot.
SPEAKER_05:This is so wild. What happened? Fan mail time, fan mail. We have fan mail. How are we getting fan mail still?
SPEAKER_06:Because uh some of us, some listeners might know that um for our 100th episode, we reached out to so many of our guests far and wide.
SPEAKER_05:Oh, yes. And they said, Yes, I'll come on, yes, I'll phone in, yes, or that uh one uh esteemed uh guest at one point uh early on in our podcast tenure, Dave Cyrus, great guy, very funny comic, incredible writer, and uh he was gracious enough to to sit amongst us and and then listen to arguably one of the weirdest conglomerations of podcast history. Yeah. I don't know if he listens, but he does like posts every now and again, and you know, I I messaged him. I said, Would you like to do I'll tell you exactly what I said?
SPEAKER_06:I said, uh uh I know there's probably less than zero chance of you being in attendance, but I wanted to have at least shown you how nice the invitation looks. It's a very nice PDF. And he said, if I could, and then I messaged him instantly after, like instantly after. I go, as a fun gag, we could call you on the phone under the premise that quote unquote Dave Cyrus couldn't make it, so we have him live from New York on the phone.
SPEAKER_05:And when you answer, you just say no and hang up. And I go, I imagine it would be like 11:30 or mid 90s coast time. No response. Yeah, that was September 4th. Ghost protocol. Ghost Tom Cruise does protocol. Which it, you know, that happened. We recorded the 100. I made a joke about it on the 100. I think I made a throwaway line about it or whatever. And since then, I just kind of thought, like, oh, it's kind of funny that he just did the bit over the messages. Well, yeah, because he's like a real comedian with real jobs. Well, but no, no, no, no.
SPEAKER_06:Like he literally did like he saw the messages like, oh, I'll fucking ignore it. Like, just like that's funny. Like, okay, he got me there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he messages me literally on Tuesday of this week. Hey, I'm so sorry.
SPEAKER_02:I don't know how I never saw this. I would have loved to do that. Fuck.
SPEAKER_05:Well, Dave. So daylight, daylight a dollar short. Daylight a dollar short. Maybe we could do it on the 200ths. Maybe we could just do it on like the 179th.
SPEAKER_02:So funny. I literally said that exact thing. I said, totally get it, no words at all. I'll call in a favor for the 200th.
SPEAKER_05:That's beautiful. Shout out Dave Cyrus. Yeah. And he tried to nice guy tried to hook me up with some a spot in uh New York while I'm out there. Okay, hopefully. Hopefully you can get it. Um, I'm I but the problem is is he he's he has like real he's so high profile. He's not gonna give me real. So where he where where you're like, can you hook me up with Chubby? He's like, yeah, maybe I can get you in like the writer's room for a weekend update.
SPEAKER_01:You're like, no, no, that's too much. Please, yeah.
SPEAKER_05:Please. Yeah, it's just like he has like actual, you know, he was he did the SNL thing, right? He did the Yeah, because he he worked and wrote with Pete Davidson. Yeah, and the Pete Davidson thing. Yeah. Um, he did Triumph, uh, the comic instrument. Oh nice. Okay, Comic Dog, which is Schmeigel, right?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, worked Schmeigel. I thought I say Schmeigel. Robert Schmeigel.
SPEAKER_05:Is it Schmeigel or like Schmeer? Like Schmeagel, yeah. Yeah, you threw me up. I was like, isn't it Schmeigel? He actually, yeah, come on now.
SPEAKER_04:Uh yeah, so shout out Dave Cyrus, probably one of our most high profile guests next to uh Jason's callings, who came on uh like a few weeks ago.
SPEAKER_05:You know, yeah, that was a fun one. Those are the two most real comedians we've had.
SPEAKER_06:Well, the two most tenured, seasoned comedians, certainly.
SPEAKER_05:I believe every comic we've had on here is a real comedian. Except for, let's say it on three, one, two, three. My brother. Oh no. He's actually not a comedian. I was gonna say a comedian, and I was hoping you would say a comedian that was not you would be like, that's not a comedian. John Luna. Especially you, John Luna. Get your shit together. If you're watching this, if you're watching this, John Luna, I don't know if I don't know if you've John Luna, it's been a tough year for you. You've had a lot of L's. A lot of L's, a lot of J. Get a real job, Fatty. Yeah, what are you gonna do? Open up for Robbie Hoffman, you fucking hack? Get out of here.
SPEAKER_02:What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do?
SPEAKER_05:Start working with the most successful up-and-coming comedian in the year 2025? Yeah, probably it's about to go fucking galactic right now. What are you gonna do? Work with someone who's got two TV shows in the works and a Netflix special produced by John Edmund Mullaney? What are you gonna do? Fucking probably get past the store within the next 11 to 12 months. I don't know why the window's 11 to 12 months.
SPEAKER_02:Idiot!
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, fucking loser. So funny. Anyways, uh, shout out Looney Tunes. Hope you're well. Save travels, he's out there right now. He's in Braya tonight. He's in Bray at night. Oh, okay. He was just in wherever the fuck. Oh, I gotta go. All right, uh, take it easy. All right, see you guys. Save your children.
SPEAKER_04:Sorry, Mom, about all the jacking off.
