Swallow Daddy's
“Comedians” Drew Bock and RJ Sains meet up each week to say the dumbest things imaginable. No structure, no rules, no corporate sponsorships. If you like JRE or Flagrant, Kill Tony or Club Random; you will hate every minute of this podcast.
Swallow Daddy's
EP #105: NRA
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If you were a chick, what would el what else would you be doing? Running for Congress? Get out of here. I haven't really put much thought into it. The WNBA? No. Be a whore. Get fucked. I'd be Caitlin Clark and some dudes. That's for sure. I'd be Clark and some some dudes for sure. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that's exactly what we'd be doing. I mean, because that's that's that's the retard dude brain, is like we go, we go, oh, I have a pussy. I want it to just get slammed all day. I mean, the the hypothetical chick with a pussy. The hypothetical since the dawn of man, of what if you were a woman, it stops right away when you go, oh, well, first I go, that's that's the end of the conversation. No, I don't even get there. I'm you don't even get there, dude. Literally, I'm I'm oogaboogling my my klituga like forever. I'm just I'm gooning in the literal caveman cave. I'm gonna magic wand my clitori off of my body. Just until I feel nothing but a sort of uh, you know, uh Kierkegaardian dread. It's just a Kierkegaardian low hum of my now dead magic wand. Yeah, exactly. That's all it is, you know. Just a just an existential murmur on my clitoris. Just an absolute road rash on my road gash. I was gonna get there. Look at that. Now I'm picking up. Now we're getting there. You're picking up. Yeah, people me. Me. I've been, I mean, I'm just I'm feeling like I'm two sizes. Why is your left leg bigger than your right leg? You notice that? No way. Like fatter. And your knee's bigger. It's it's big, it's a bigger leg. You notice? Your left leg's bigger than your right leg. Length? Length, girth, uh, breadth. I don't think so. Depth. Yeah, everything. Yeah, your that knee is fucking bigger for sure. This knee. Yeah. Swollen. You might have like a um like a blood clot. Like it might only be that kills you in your sleep. Huh. Yeah. I don't really think I don't really think I see much of a difference. Do you remember when I had a blood clot from the vaccine and I showed everybody? You thought it was herpes, right? No, that was a different one. That was a different one for sure. It was a different blood clot. That was a different blood clot. That was a clot of the show. I don't recall. I don't recall. I don't recall. I don't recall. Uh Australian or Shogun? Narr. Narr? Yeah, I don't I have no memory of that. There was uh I got the uh uh um Jenna Jameson, what's it called? Uh oh, the Dolly Parton? The Dolly Parton, the J and J. Yeah. Johnson and Johnson, not the Jenna Jameson. Right, but Dolly Johnson's porno star, right? Yeah. DP. I got the Dolly Parton, J and J vaccine. And uh because I I I there was a uh a sort of a red pill Andrew Tate figure uh that was like that's the one you want to get you don't want to get the real one. Well you mean Andrew Tate? Yeah, you want uh his brother, which uh Jim Tate, what's his name? Yeah, the one who's just got no personality but looks just like Andrew. It's him with hair, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. His whole thing is I'm Andrew Tate, but with hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm his older brother. And no 18 words in the English language. And instead of and I also say Bugatti. Big Bugatti. I would would you be Andrew Tate? Would I be him? Like if you had an opportunity to be him for a day. Like live his life, of course. Yeah. Fair enough. I don't I don't do I Dry Bugattis and slam ass. And be like really aggressively hypermasculine. Sex traffic Eastern European women. Allegedly. Allegedly. He was uh he was acquitted. Yeah, no, I don't think he actually did. Because sex traff I don't know if you've seen the rules about sex trafficking. You can't do it. If you take a if you take a slim thick baddie from here to Arizona, you yoink her and then bring her back that sex trafficking. Well, what if she what she's like, oh take me to Arizona and yoink her? That's why I think Gislaine is uh in innocent.
unknown:Oh my god.
SPEAKER_01:Because she's like, I yeah, God forbid I fly him around. I give him a good experience. God forbid I'd lead them to their demise. Yeah. So does have to suck off Stephen Hawking. God forbid I give him a sweet island gig, you know? Please, Gislaine, please. It is merely just transportation. Yeah, I can't even You can't think of it as trafficking. His penis had to have worked. Trafficking implies someone just negotiating whether or not there should be someone coming to and fro. These girls want to be here on their own tuition. You truly have an undeniable Stephen Hawking. Thank you. Yeah. I've spent a I I was telling my wife about this. I've spent a lot of years working on really dumb impressions. Yeah. That just uh they're for myself. Yeah, your wife doesn't speak to you anymore because that's a descent. Yeah, and she and she said from behind the bulletproof glass of the jail cell, honey, I'm taking the kids. Yeah. And I go, but of course, but of course, my children. I'll see you on some block sex in six months.
SPEAKER_02:Well, good. Is that the pod? Can I go home now?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I uh are you a pod? Yeah, are we a pod? Am I a pod? Are you an Eminem? I'm trying to I'm trying to clip that out. I'm trying to clip that out right now. That's a funny bit. What about uh Mr. Signs the Seventh? Yeah, he too. He too shall clip thy MM. Yes. Amen.
SPEAKER_00:Amen. Amen.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I uh no the Jis Lane is definitely a sex trafficker, yeah, of course. Uh just wanted to make sure we clarified that because that was a very uh funny stance. Yeah, well um Albeit Well Robert Day uh Robert uh Downey Jr. Robert D. Jeanette J. Uh Diddy, he uh I think was also accused of like flying flying chicks and then coming at them and stuff like that. Someone even say his words, not mine, but he believed he could fly. That's R. Kelly, isn't it? What did I say? Wait, no, you said a Diddy. You're getting wow, you got your black sex traffickers mixed up. What a piece of shit.
SPEAKER_00:What a fucking asshole. How dare you. That's so racist.
SPEAKER_01:The worst part about that whole thing is the racism. Not the sex trafficking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I love that too. It's like it is it is uh technically racist to mix up uh people of color. Yeah, but not if they're accused of the same crime. What a what a what a world. Yeah, you're like, yeah, Cosby. There's actually to think to know that there's a at least a couple of people, a thruple of people in the South that go, Diddy, Cosby, R. Kelly, all the same fucking black guy to me, you know? Where you're like, yeah, that's wrong, but also, you know, there's three you could pick. Yeah, you're wrong, but also you're not wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're all they're all doing the You're more correct than you are rude. Well, yeah, well, there's the the norm joke where it's like the um the the I thought the worst part was the hypocrisy.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, yeah. Buster Brown, shout out Buster, good kid. He had a similar joke about Carl Malone. You know Carl Malone, the basketball player? He yoinked uh like a 13 or 14-year-old.
SPEAKER_01:Jesus had a kid with her, and then denied it and didn't give her child support or anything, and just went on to be a star, one of the greatest NBA players of all time. And goes, nah, not my kid. That kid grew up, went to the NFL, like a star athlete beast, and nothing he got away with it completely. Uh allegedly. And uh and Buster was like, yeah, he he he was like, yeah, yeah, he he he doinked the 13-year-old. But the worst part, child support, you know. That's a fun one. Shout out Buster. He's a yeah, double B. Young Bust. Father Bust, Young Busty. He's a he's a good kid with a good heart, certainly. Funny motherfucker. Um, well, what's going on with you? I'm looking at your sweat penis right now. Oh, yeah, this whole this whole flappy.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:I love a love a good pleat. I used to be uh really ashamed. I think we've gone over this in the paw, but I'll say it again. I used to be really self-conscious. No, this is funny because that's actually your penis. This is not. This is flat. This is nothing. It's a flap, it's a fabric. You've got a Theodore penis. I've got a flat peony.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Uh but I think it's it's literally it's just even as a fake, I don't like what you're doing. But I used to be really self-conscious about the pleat. Don't pull it down because now I can literally see your cock. All right, chill. Yeah, make a fake penis so I can't see your real penis. I'm just gonna that's better. A mustard. A mustard like what all good women do to make sure men like harass them with their eyes. I don't Don't give me your uncle eyes, you pervert. I'm not giving anybody uncle eyes. I'm not playing the piano just yet. I'm very respectful to women. I go to them and I go, excuse me, miss, may I see your pussy? Excuse me, miss. What that camel toad is. What art doth thou clam? You know? Who doth what yonder show me your pussy. Yeah, just show me your fucking pussy. Something, something, yeah. Something, something. I don't know. Do something Fahrenheit for 51 or whatever. I've got a I've got a wild story I gotta warm up to because it's oh no. Do you want me to do something while you warm up to I wanna get the I want to feel more energetic about it. I've just been I've been I've had a long day. I got stuck in traffic in San Clemente for almost three hours now. Doing what down there? I had lunch? Lunch with a who? Are you cheating on your wife again? With a couple of friends. Oh. I can't do a Fred lunch. Big sloppy titted friends. Yeah, men. Nice. Men of a certain age. Oh. Yeah, we were just having a good lunch, a Friday lunch, if you will. Yeah. A nice time. But uh it's only like twenty-five minutes away. Turned into almost three hours. They completely shut down the freeway. Yeah, that'll do it. Apparently there was a spill. The whole town was bumper to bumper. You couldn't get on the freeway. It was closed. Uh accident? Um no, just for fun, I think. It was a parade. You couldn't do a uh you couldn't do a fast track or anything? No, there's no way out. No way out. No way out. Where'd you eat for lunch? Where what did you eat for lunch? This is a place called like seafish food grill or something. Sea fish food grill. Classic. One of the great it's like it's sea surf. Sorry, sea surf with a sea fish. Oh, C-S-E-A. Yeah, yeah. Gotcha. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not like cunt surf fish. No. No. Not that did you eat fish? Yeah, I had I had some tuna and I had some shrimp. It was nice. Look at you. And it was a good lunch, and then I sat in traffic for three hours and I wanted to No, well, there's no way it was three hours. It took I left at 1 30. I got home at 3 45. So two, a little over two hours. It felt like three. And you did this happen to you? I think there's something wrong with me. I think I have a sleep disorder. Well, yeah, obviously.
SPEAKER_02:There's so many things wrong with you.
SPEAKER_01:Because I will be driving midday and be like, ugh, uh, like I'll get so tired, like almost fall asleep while I'm while I'm driving. Yeah. That's everybody. At noon? Yes. The worst. What do you mean at noon? Noon, like 12 o'clock in the afternoon. Yeah, but also you get lunch. You get 27 minutes of sleep every night. You got nine children, eight wives, four careers, but in one podcast. You don't sleep, RJ. I know, I know, but why am I twice sleepy while I'm driving? Energy dips. You have never heard of the ultradian rhythm of your energy? Two things you just said that I've never heard before. Ultradian rhythm, but also I would love some energy dips. Just that sounds like the best like kid snack.
SPEAKER_00:You're just thinking, by the foot, gushers, and try new energy dips from Nabisco.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, it tastes like fucking sour patch kids.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, that's Nabisco. That's RFK's N-word, I'll tell you that. He's trying to get rid of it all, you know.
SPEAKER_00:We gotta get rid of the energy dips.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, exactly. Yeah, no, it's natural energy. And again, you get you average, what, four to five and a half hours of sleep a night? If you get five and a half hours six, you're like, oh, that's a great night, I'm wired. No, not a great night, I'm wired. Um I'm fuck what's like a great night of sleep and you're like fully rested, you feel? When I'm not woken up in the morning. If I can sleep past six o'clock, I feel great. But how many hours is that? Doesn't matter. I could go to bed at two, wake up at ten, feel great. That's eight hours. Well, no shit, that's eight hours. Right. But you never get eight hours. No. No, I get six tops. That's crazy. Joe Rogan gets six, but he's also on like so much creatine. He's on he's on like Palantir vitamins. He's he's on that fucking uh uh what's the what lion's mane mushrooms. Yeah, he's on military industrial complex juice constantly. Yeah. They've injected like alien cum into his veins. Like the kid is zonked off of like five hours, and he doesn't drink anymore. You drink a lot. You're destroying your life. He quit drinking, did you hear? The kid's jacked, quit drinking. Better than ever. You need to you have you tried uh alpha brain? You know what? I did uh I want to say 2017, I got a bottle of it just for fun. Because you're like, what's worse gonna happen? I'm so much better. Made you blast out of your ass. I the only thing that happened, which was truly again, could just be placebic, but I walked downstairs, like after like two weeks of taking it, I walked downstairs in my apartment, I looked around and I went, I know exactly how we reorganized this thing. And my wife was like, What? And I was like, No, we're gonna put the couch here, we're gonna record play over here, put this chair over here, it'll be way more spacious, way more room. She's like, What the fuck is this? And I go, I think it's the alpha brain. I think it's working. And then that's it. That was it. Did you actually re-reorganize? Yeah, it was great. You never saw my old apartment. Beautiful. You guys lived in an apartment together? Mid-century modern townhome. Where at? Uh Garden Grove. Nice, fancy? Um, area, no. Apartment, yes. Huh. It was a very nice apartment. And you guys fucked in there and stuff? No. Celibate. One of those postmarital celibacy. You didn't have a kid in that apartment. Uh-uh.
SPEAKER_02:Wow. Well, you had moose. And what you had moose. You had sex, and then she gave birth to moose. Your black dog, your great dane.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. Uh rest in peace. And then when you moved to Rest in power, king.
SPEAKER_02:Rest in power, black king. Um, and then you moved here, then you started yoinking each other and having nine kids. Yeah. Interesting. That's not a bad move.
SPEAKER_01:Um, alpha brain. I mean, what if we get back into it? I think you It's so expensive. There's like an alpha omega. No, well, there's like an alpha omega brain, like the full pack. There's like this like beginning and end. There's like this cra Yeah, exactly. This whole fucking package. It's like$200. I don't look the whole stack. We should get the whole stack in. I'm happy with what my mind does for me, though. Like I'm like Is everyone else around you though? Happy with your mind?
SPEAKER_02:That's what your mind tells you.
SPEAKER_01:But uh more than mine stuff, I need I need to buy more time. You need to buy more time. I want to buy more time so I can write more, I want to buy more time so I can sleep more, I want to buy more time so I can. You can't buy time though. Right. So why bother with Alpha Brain? Because the time that you have can be effective. It's I'm apparently. I have squeezed the juice of my days to a thin, sinewy pulp. It's a time is more valuable than ever in your 30s, and it's also we have almost none of it now. And y I mean, I'm not trying to do the scoreboard here. No, of course. I got all the time in the world and I have my chunks of time, but No, you yeah. I mean, again, we're both working big boy jobs. We both try to do uh stupid shit at night, and then we're trying to throw in a podcast on top of it. And we're trying to, you know, uh betroth our betrothers.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:You know. Yeah, I uh and then I gotta do yard work on top of that. Yeah, I don't have to do any yard work. I want I want alpha brain for shitty chores. Just do that then. But that's the thing. I don't it's not gonna help me with that. I just do it. What if you smoke a little weed and do chores? Some people like to smoke. Oh yeah. Well, that's I d my my my kitchen. I'm a I'm a a kitchen wizard on weed. It's amazing. It feels so much better. What do you do? Just clean it. Clean the whole thing. Talk to bottom. I I mean, and I it's just it's just it just lightens the like emotional load of like, oh, I do this every day and it sucks so bad, and oh, there's like grimy grease stains here that I gotta do. I know a lot of people that smoke weed and then they clean the shit out of their house. Yeah. It's a nice, it's an and I don't I don't get like fucking snoop doggy high. I'm not no I'm not chi chorchong. No, gotcha. I'm just bang or bong. I'm just a light, lightly levitating.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Speaking of lightly levitating, the thing I wanted to bring up. Oh, sorry. I uh no no no kiss.
SPEAKER_02:No no no. Okay, come on.
SPEAKER_01:Uh off cam. We uh it was like um what was the it was like walk your kid to school day or whatever. So I walked a six-year-old. We drove close and then walked her in. But there was all these cops that were like there. Like making sure the kids didn't get it. I don't know why they were there, and it wasn't explained to me, but they were handing out stickers like to the kids when they were walking in. And they always cops always put me off. I'm like, eh, whatever. Like, so we walk up. It's so funny because you'd make a great cop for sure.
SPEAKER_03:No way.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, you would no way. I'd be like, hey, listen, buddy, honestly, this is the law, but I was like, get the fuck out of here. You're so spindly, so like I know you would need to you in that big ass vest with all the gear on there and guns and tasers and shit, you'd feel like a million bucks. I'm sure I'm no, I sure would feel cool. We should be cops. Yes. Yeah they would let us. Yeah, but they let anyone who wants to. No. Yes. No, I know. Literally anyone who wants to. I know a guy who couldn't do it. Yeah, because black. Well, no, fat, but black second. Fat black. Fat black, yeah. But anyways, um, a lot of cops passing out stickers, Blue Lives Matter stickers. And I go, alright, sweet, love ya, see you later. And sh and I'm like like five feet away from the entrance. She walks up past and she's just trying to move past the kids as the cops are passing out stickers, and this cop looks at my sweet angel daughter. And goes, you know, Trayvon Martin died by fentanyl, not by me on the nigger. That would have probably been better. Yeah. He goes, Hey Barbie, you want a sticker? And I mean it was like 7 a.m., but I was like, what the fuck? This fucking cops call my kid Barbie? Like, this is like a little girl. She's blonde, right? Yeah. Close enough. But again, like she's like, hey, uh, doll version of a big titted slut. You want a sticker? Is that what you heard? Who okay? So let's let's pause for a second. When someone calls a woman Barbie. It's a woman. You said woman, so that's the answer's there. Right, right, right. It's a woman. Calls a woman Barbie. What does that even mean in our society? You're just like a blonde bimbo, yeah. Slut whore. Yeah. I want to fucking ruin her. So Okay, apply that to your situation. That's rough. So it's 7 a.m. and I'm going. I'm trying to spin it like in like a how could he possibly have like doll. Even still, if you call my six-year-old doll, what is this, 1937? Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, true. So I'm starting to get a little a little steamy. Oh God, you're gonna fight the cop? I'm gonna end this guy. He's got a gun. I've got more than the guns. He's he is the law. You can't do that. I will change the law so that he can't. Fair enough. So in my mind, I'm like, I'm like cook. I'm like, no, this is like misogyny at best, pedophilia at worst. Oh my god. Like I am mad. I am like thinking to myself, like, this motherfucker taking my taxpayer dollars just to turn around and be a weirdo to my goddamn baby girl. And I'm thinking, I'm like, I'm gonna get up, I'm gonna walk to this guy and be like, how about you keep your weird mouth shut, don't say that shit, and go back to harassing minorities and putting your thumb up your own ass because you know, fucking I don't like this at all. Yeah, I'm getting mad, and I just go, I I end up walking up to the guy and I go, Hey, don't call little girls Barbie. That's weird. You really did that to the body? I I looked the guy in the eye and said, Don't call little girls Barbie. That's weird. And he and he goes, Oh, okay. Like he seemed so like confused and shocked. And I go, that's right. And I turn around. You said that to the law? I said that to a cop. He looked like RH too, which really helped. Oh, yeah. He was like in his 50s. 40s even, it's game over. Yeah, like really jacked. He was decently jacked. I could take that. And by decently, so much more jacked than you, he could destroy you. Yeah, he was a cop. Yeah, wasn't even close. Yeah. Hot jacked cop. But even funnier is like I'm not like in my car already. I have to go walk two blocks. So he's just watching me in my house slippers and sweats and my duck sweatshirt and my like Rick Rubens. So you look like how he sounded, basically. I look like a complete loser millennial dad going, hey, don't do that. If he's going, if he's if you were going up looking the way you were looking, being like, hey, Barbies, have a good day at school, like, alright, let's throw this guy in jail right now. Yeah, arrest him, arrest him, officer. That's so funny. Yeah, yeah. At least he was young that helped. Well, and then so I walk away, I'm like, yeah, fucking, yeah. And then the next kid that walked up, he's like, hey, hey, Mia Khalifa, you want a sticker? You want a sticker, you know? Like, hey there. Fucking hey there, Riley Reed. Yeah. Like, who the fuck? Oh yeah. What's up? I can name Bornstar as a big one. What's up, Mia Malkova? What's up?
SPEAKER_00:Tia Tequila? Tia? Aunt Tequila? Yeah. What's her name? Tila. Tila? Yeah. Niece? What's Tia? Tila Tequila. Tia, that's an aunt. Tila, tequila. Tila Tequila. I don't get it.
SPEAKER_01:Did you see her sex tape when it came out? I just remember she had that show Shot at Love of Tila Tequila. Oh my goodness. You gotta check out that sex tape. When your wife's mad at you one of these days, you gotta spite jack to that with these seven screens you got to use for work. I'm all full up on Spitejack. You got the perfect goon setup over there, and you're never gonna use it. It literally really blows my mind. Yeah, because it's it's for work and my company would check. That's true, you know. Um so I'm I'm like riding high, like, man, I fucking can't believe that guy did that. Like, I'm glad I said something. Like, I'm like telling people, like I posted like an Instagram story.
SPEAKER_00:Like I was like, fucking you posted an Instagram story?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. I was like, I was like, I was like, dude, like this piece of shit cop like called my daughter Barbie, like pissed me off so much. Like so creepy and weird. Like and then I'm like hours later talking to Taryn on the phone. Yeah. And I go, yeah. And I gotta tell you this fucking thing, man. I'm so pissed off about this. I told the whole story. And he goes, honey. Brooklyn was wearing a t-shirt that said Barbie on it.
SPEAKER_00:Oh my. Oh. And I go, huh? Oh. That cop literally was probably the sweetest boy of all the boys.
SPEAKER_01:Probably one of the good people. Which explains why he was so confused. Truly a good apple. And he was like, What? Literally, her shirt said Barbie. But like I imagine too, like that, like again, he's probably a guy our age going, oh man, I guess maybe I shouldn't just like say the word that's on the kid's shirt. He was you were in the wrong, and he still was like, I'm probably in the wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So good cop, good cop.
SPEAKER_00:Truly the best of guys. First of all, shout out, police. Shout out to the blue lives out there. To the law. To the fucking law.
SPEAKER_01:Once again, proving their worth in real time. What the fuck, dude? That's so funny. I'm just baffled. And yeah, I went to go pick her up. Sure enough, wear it. Just big pink shirt says Barbie right across the room. And you're like, I'm a fucking idiot.
SPEAKER_00:Which, like, so then now the question ends up being like, okay, should you call a little kid the thing that their shirt says?
SPEAKER_01:Like, I know that yes, it's what happened, the situation is not as bad. I mean, if it's a point, it says Power Ranger. It's like, hey there, Power Power Ranger. Yeah, right. Yeah, great.
SPEAKER_02:Hey there, Barbie.
SPEAKER_01:Great. Hey there, car slut. Hey there, Adolph. You know, whatever. Right. Yeah. I I think this is this is where I'm like. First of all, what's a car slut? I don't know. Kids got shirts like car slut. You know, since when? Target? I was just there earlier today. There are I'm I've been actually trying to send some pretty lengthy emails to the Target executives. I've been seeing t-shirts that say uh tucked slut on the Yes, yes. Tucked slut daddy's little tuck slut.
SPEAKER_00:Daddy's little tuck slut?
SPEAKER_01:Yes. Holy shit. And I go, I this I gotta get this for my boys. Yeah, I I go, we gotta we gotta get this out of here. These these pro tuck t-shirts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Tucker Carlson t-shirts. Yeah, there you go.
SPEAKER_02:Daddy's little tuck slut. It's a face of it's Tucker Carlson with an MM, green MM painted on his face.
SPEAKER_01:And he's doing his fake um uh aghast face. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, classic. Yeah, so you felt a little dumb. So I felt a little silly. You need to go to the local precinct and apologize to that officer. Right. So so then what ends up happening automatically in my mind is what I've just been saying of like, you know what though? Like, maybe fucking don't say in. I well, again, I'm I haven't even had I'm not it's like I'm it's not an ongoing conversation. I'm bringing it up now. I was like, maybe also Yeah, I'm still right.
SPEAKER_00:No, absolutely not.
SPEAKER_01:Maybe like don't fucking say anything to kids. Oh my god. Maybe fucking don't talk to kids. He's a but he's a police officer and he's a member of the community. Yes, and also they're passing out stickers in the school, brought him there to do things for kids. Don't look, anything could be on a kid's t-shirt. It must be a nightmare to be married to. Holy shit. Do you ever say you're sorry? Yes. And then I say bye! Think about it. You have a huge body. Am I that wrong? Almost a bit. Am I that wrong? Almost all of your sorries have giant asses. If I'm 50% wrong, can I be 50% right? No. If I'm 60% wrong, can I be 40% wrong? You the gang, the gig is it's easier to just say I'm 100% wrong. Right, but in this case, I don't want to back down. You're so wrong in so many versions of it. It's funnier to not back down, and I don't want the cops to win. I hope you see this cop in six months when they're doing national uh national bird scooter to scoot to scoot today. You know? Hey, by the way, buddy, the girl's got a shirt that says Tila tequila on it. You gonna call her teela tequila? You fucking pervert. Yeah. You're gonna call her your little tequila shot, huh? Yeah, yeah. Nice. Real cool, buddy. Real cool. Zip it. Yeah, even though it says in parentheses, please call me your little tequila shot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It says it literally gives you directions of what to call her. Uh yeah, that sucks. You're so wrong. It's funny. It's funny though. But no, obviously, I felt bad. That's so funny. I felt bad, but then again, like I said, I'm like, destroys your wife, sorry. I didn't, I don't think I overstepped though. Like I it was embarrassing that I didn't realize that she was wearing this shirt, but ultimately. I just said, hey, don't call little girls Barbie. That's weird. That's and that's true. That's a true statement. But you contextually so far off. Big swing in a mess. But it's not, it's in yours in your subjective situation, it was completely untrue. Yes. In your fake universe, because you missed very vital information, it was true. In your lie, it was true. True. In your lie it was true, but in the true world it was false. Yes. Which is why this man was confused. This poor guy. This poor hot cop. This poor hot cop. The least you could do is is, you know, give him suck him or something, you know. I don't think so. You gotta give him something to lose. I don't think so. Worst case scenario. I see this guy again. I go, hey man, I didn't realize uh my girl was wearing a should have said Barbie. Isn't that funny? Anyways, don't do that ever again. I just double down. Don't fucking say, Yeah, I realized that you had every right and it totally made complete sense. And I stand by stop it. But like keep your dirty mouth shut. Yeah, I don't know. Is this a weird projection thing? Do you call your wife Barbie in bed or something? No, I've never I I You're like, oh come on, Barbie, let's go, Barbie. Come on, Barbie, let's go, Barbie. Oh, call me Ken, please. Uh I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world, round me and plastic.
SPEAKER_02:My head for a second, I was trying to combine Ken and Daddy, which meant Kenny, but then that just sounds like Kenny Weber.
SPEAKER_01:Ken Daddy. Yeah, Ken Daddy. Yeah. So you don't want your wife calling you Kenny Weber in bed. That's not necessarily just not the worst thing in the world. You're like, call me a black guy. Get out. Call me whatever you want. Alright, no. No, I uh shout out Kenny Weber. Hope you're well. Hope you're out there. He's a big fan of the pod. Bit huge fan of the pod. You weren't recording the whole time. No, I'm shocked at how long we've been going. Well, you did pre-roll for s uh 25 minutes. No. Yes. It was maybe 10. Nope. 15 to 38. You didn't even look. I did. I'm looking at it, looking at it right now. You need to put fake boner up, or else I'm gonna look at your real cock and it sucks. It's not even your sucky penis is out. Okay, geez. I'm just saying. Now you got a big old floppy, dark, it's not earthy long thing. And everyone on the podcast knows it now because they saw our roast. And if you haven't seen it, watch our roast. Watch the roast. Watch the roast. He's got a big old wiener. Are we this Tuesday? No, next Tuesday. Okay, thank God. Can you imagine? I was like trying to write some more jokes and I was like, God, he's so boring. There's nothing like dynamic enough. But excuse me. I'm one of the most dynamic comedians in the scene. Well, you got a great personality, but other than that, everything else you do isn't it. That's literally all you need to do. What do you mean what's the point? It's like I guess You're just not creative enough, I think it's like a lot of people. I think you lack credibility. No, no. It's like, oh, he looks like you've got a lot of blind spots. You're not seeing that I'm wearing a Barbie shirt. That's the problem. That's true. Yeah. I've had a Barbie shirt on the whole time, and you're going, I there's nothing to this guy. No, it's more than that. It's like it's like the overcompensation of personality is just to like just wash over the fact that there's just nothing really going on. You're just saying these generalizing bullshit things that don't make any sense. That's like what a that's what a cunty smart a guy a cunty kid who thinks he's smart in high school says about they're like, oh yeah, you just you know no matter what someone does, they're like, well, they just do that instead of have a personality. Which is such a cop-out. I hate when people say that. No, no, no. I say it all the time. I only say that about the bisexuals. You don't think bisexuals are real? I think no, I think they're real. I just think they instead of having a personality, they decided to be bisexual. They go, I'm gonna fuck chicks and dudes. No, they just say they do. I don't really feel passionate about this. We've had comedian friends that go, I'm bisexual, and then now some of them come out as uh, yeah, I tried to suck a cock. I'm really just into pussy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We know a couple. One prominent young boy. Yeah, I think I know who that is. Yes. I don't think we need anybody right now. Say it on three. I I don't know. Three, Jeff Trankle. I haven't seen that guy in a while. Jeff, if you're out there, hit us up. We'll get you on the pod. Guess who called me yesterday? Shh. Stop. So on my way to my drum room just can you can you do a preface of who this man is for our friends at home? Jeff Trankel is probably one of the only men that I've known in my life that is truly free.
SPEAKER_02:All the rest of us are shackled by societal, economic, psychological, social, evolutionary expectations of how to behave as a human in this world.
SPEAKER_01:He's like if a foo fighter song was a person. A foo fighter song, I got another convention to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like It's the N-word. Yeah. Yeah, right? No, he's truly like uh yeah, if you know what? No, it's it's if uh like the Guns N' Roses Prairie Dog City was a person. Yeah, he's truly a free, free man. And uh he was a guy that he started showing up in the scene. We're like, does this guy have a home? Does he have a car? Does he have anything? He reeks of cigarettes, he drinks straight Kampari on the rocks, and he's like fucking seven two, towering. Probably sixty years old, and then he goes up, and yeah, he's he's older, and he goes up on stage and he does these crazy, like weirdly like like he's he's got this thing where I'm like, this is a hell of an orator in a way. Yeah, and then he stumbles upon a joke, maybe sometimes. And he's always working on things. And again, I again all all of you went, too many cigarettes, too much compari, I'm out. I went, This is my guy. We gotta peek behind the curtain a little bit. I love this guy. Yeah, yeah. And so, you know, we we kind of became close. You also were bartending. I was bartending, you would hang out at the bar, we'd talk a lot, and you know you tip well? Uh I tipped well, yeah, always tipped well, and he was a good guy, and he's he's truly a gentle soul. He, you know, he's out of his mind, but he's just a gentle soul. And uh he uh yeah, and then he was uh he had that girlfriend who was like an artsy community college professor or something like that. Yeah. And then all of a sudden Rec Room closed and we're like, well, he's he's gonna either he's going to um do slam poetry in the Gaza Strip or he's gonna die. We don't know where he's gonna go. So we just thought no existence anymore. I'm going to my drum room, and then I'm I'm I called my girlfriend, seeing what she's up to. I'm like, hey, I'm doing this, what are you doing? I'll be home around this time, yada yada yada. And uh as I'm about to end the conversation with my girlfriend, I get a text. Uh I I get a call actually at the end of the conversation, and then it hangs up. I thought it was you, and like I was like, it's not you, and I and then I hang up and I and I get a text immediately after that goes, uh, why don't you answer my calls? I go to war for you. Dot dot dot. And I'm like that can only be one man. I was I was like, I gotta call this person back, whoever this is. I call the deepest voice in the world, and I know two people with very deep voices, and one of them is a guy I did a free jazz uh drum trombone record with in high school. Great, uh, not in high school, in college. Uh the album's called Chris Tucker, it's on Bandcamp, check it out. Um, and uh it's slamming, it's in my Instagram URL, so check that up.
SPEAKER_02:It's sick, and so I thought it was him, and I was like, Chris, is that you? And then he was like, It's Jeff. And I'm like, who the fuck is who do I know that's Jeff?
SPEAKER_01:That's such a low, booming voice. I was like, Jeff, fucking tranquil. I don't even have time to go, how are you? And he's like, I've been working on this joke. He's like, I went up to the Melrose improv. He calls it the Melrose Improv. That's so funny. It's so beautiful, and he it was some fucking beautiful poetic thing about like sticking it to the man, and then uh he's like gonna add every fucking eye on me, I'll tell you that, you know. And uh and he's like, I and I was like, Yeah, I'm sorry, I I immediately I had to I did like I'm like, I gotta go to my drum room, I gotta work on a thing, and he's like, I told him he's like, Oh, jazz drum. You remember that I'm a jazz drummer? He's like, Oh, jazz drums.
SPEAKER_02:He's like, Yeah, my son's a jazz drummer, and I told him he doesn't play those jazz drums, I'm gonna beat his fucking ass.
SPEAKER_01:You know, I told him I'm gonna kick his ass, you know. I'm like, oh, you're the best. And uh he's like, just fucking call me every once in a while, man. You know, I was like, all right, I'll try to call you, whatever. And I he must have called me, but I've just if I see an unknown number, I never answer it. Oh no. Never. Why would you? Why would I? What person has the time to figure out like most of the solicitors?
SPEAKER_02:The problem for me is like I make the mistake of saving so many numbers into the phone and not into like the cloud or the my Google or whatever. So I often have a bunch of unknown numbers that call me or text me that are legitimate people in my lives.
SPEAKER_01:So I do always wonder. But also, I also have like a myriad of debt collectors. Yeah, I got that. I got Saudi Princes, I got the Riyadh. I got the Riyadh Comedy Festival trying to get me to come back. Yeah. Yeah, it's a whole it's a whole thing. But yeah, so it talks for a little bit. And uh yeah, so I don't know. He's still out there, he's still going, he's still doing more important LA mics than we are, than we should be, you know. He's out there hustling, he's he's getting up in front of Rita, you know? What the hell? How are we not getting up in front of Rita? And he's getting up in front of Rita. There's no excuse for us, you know? No. We gotta get up there. Well, you gotta leave here at four o'clock if you want to go to the six o'clock mic on a Wednesday. I did it for a whole year until I got a cold open spot. There you go. Well, that's the hustle. Yeah, it was tough. So they say, you know? It was tough. We'll do it again. You did it every day for a year? Yeah, every day. Every week for like nine months. Oh, sorry, every week, sorry. Every week for like nine months. Jeez. And I think I got up like five or six times and it paid off, but then my son was born, so I didn't go for like another four, and then I was like, what's the point? What about Rosa's? Is she is she a little more in there now? She was in, she was out, she was, you know, it's all the same thing as me. All these clubs, they they get you in, they get you out, they get you in, they get you out. It's very elusive. Expand and contract, you know. Yeah, just the classic Hollywood orifice. I'm on a show with her and Daryush, her hilarious lover. Where?
SPEAKER_02:When?
SPEAKER_01:Um I uh at the at uh Mike Hughes's wine bar show down there in uh Sin Clemeni, I think. Or Laguna. Headlining. Sorry, Roses. Oh, you got a dry bar? I got nothing. I got nothing, and I'm H lining. You know? How about that? Is it the Laguna? I got a joke about my sweet snowbutting girlfriend getting railed by black guys. Follow this. You know? Tough. Uh I don't know which one. He's got like seven wine bar shows, so. The one oh yeah, I think I had a new one. Yeah. That might be the new one then. It may also not be the one where I'm headlining, so I'm not sure we'll figure it out. San Clement, you say? There's that one, and there's one in November. I forget, but we'll figure it out. That's fun. Super fun. Yeah, the one that I did for him, he it was where my grand like right next where my grandma lives. She came down and knew like six people there. A lot of oldies. A lot of oldies, but goodies. Yeah. Uh at that fucking place. Yeah, what um I'm just thinking something else crazy to happen this week. Um I've got a sty in my eye. Is that is that interesting? You get sty? You ever get sty's? I haven't gotten a sty in a long time. My lady got a sty the other day. Yeah, it looked like like Stallone and Rocky. Not so bad. I think it's just from minor dehydration. No, it's because you you probably got you because you you there's so many germs with the four kids and and everything. My kids are touching my eyes. Fingering their assholes and shit like that, and then you're putting in your eyes, you're changing diapers, and you're licking my hands, putting it back in your butts. You suck in your dad, and then you're fucking putting it in your eye, you know. So it's like, yeah, I can't even imagine the amount of germs you're encountering every day. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we go to like three different schools. I go out and do comedy at night. Like it's a nightmare. Our our house is a cesspool of germs. Everybody gets sick once a month. Yeah. Yeah. So we'll see. Not me though. I've got a pretty rock solid immune system. Yeah, you do alright. You do alright somehow.
SPEAKER_02:I don't know how. You destroy your body and you still seem to be intact.
SPEAKER_01:Because I remind my body to be strong.
SPEAKER_02:No. You just say no.
SPEAKER_01:No, no. So when you get cancer, you're gonna be like no, and it's gonna shrivel. No. Wow. That's iron will right there. Mind of Mincia. Mind of Mincia. He's still out there. He'll he's gonna be at the improv, the Revived Improv soon. Sure. I'm opening, I'm opening. Stop it. You gotta write a whole new act. I'm gonna do all Joe Rogan stuff. I wonder if he still. How funny would that be? You you you open for Mencia and you just do like that Traffic Cone shirt special that he put out? Traffic cone shirt special. Uh was that the live one that he did? The newest one. He was wearing like that 1970s, like giant collar that he loves to the craziest collar shirts. Even the one before that, or the one before that, he had a black one. It's supposed to be how do you fuck up a black collared shirt? It was like, I I think it's it's not the shirts are nice. I think it's he's just such a crazy looking jacked guy. He's got no neck. He looks insane in anything you bought. His best fit is when he does does like a long sleeve, like sweatery type shirt that covers everything up and he has like the paperboy hat. When he does that, he looks fucking sniffing. No one pulls off a paperboy hat except Skinny Man. He rips a paperboy. Have you seen him in a paperboy hat? Yes, it's ridiculous. Scouring the main room stage. The kid rocks it. Yeah, he does. He looks excellent in it. That's right. He really does. I he looks really good in a paperboy hat. I stand by that. Him and Bill Burr. Two angry Boston whites. You know, and Fitzsimmons, another angry Boston White. That's an angry Boston White gig. Is Paperboy hat. Yeah. Bald Fitzsimmons. Yes. Yes. Fitzsimmons is not bad at comedy at all. He's got a great paperboy, too. He's got a killer paperboy, paperboy noggin. Hmm. There's William Burr. I I I had one for a time. I got one when I was in New York in the eighth grade. We had a we had a we had a paperboy hat, uh quicksilver young comedian in the scene for a little bit a while ago. Remember him? He wore a paperboy hat once and we bullied him so hard when he wore it that one day that he never wore it again.
SPEAKER_03:Hmm.
SPEAKER_02:It was like a very expensive one that we'll say the name of the Irish thing, uh Riley Fall.
SPEAKER_01:Oh yeah, people people really let him have it for that. Yeah. But also I have you seen him late? I've seen him on I went on a smoking hot day. You know, in San Juan, Capistrano, there's the train tracks, and there's all those little shops. He was walking down the train tracks. Restaurant, yeah. He with the stick and then the little bag behind it, you know, skipping town. Uh blindfolded. Sorry, not blindfolded, but the bandana, the whole thing. I just think it's funny someone on the You know the train tracks down there. Yes. And then you pass it and there's a whole other world down there. Yeah. Did you know they built like a whole scene of like restaurants and meateries and dairies and fucking like hipster ass fucking shit on this? It's I stumbled upon that like a few months ago accidentally just going for a walk. It's great. Blew my mind. Wait, when are you going for a walk down San Clemente? Um, I was down there. It's a long walk, bro. Down there cheating on my girlfriend. Yeah. I was fucking uh I live in uh Long Beach, but I was taking a really nice long walk all the way to the channel. Uh story's unraveling. Why were we in St. Clinton's Hidden House? Reveal yourself. Hidden House Coffee. You drove all the way down for coffee? At that point, yes, because I loved that coffee shop. And I wanted to like, I was like, this was one of those like me days. I wanted to have a me day, so I just like went for a walk. Because it's good to like go for a walk and like think of bits and stuff. Um I thought of no bits, but um I discovered that whole fucking place down there. They got alpacas and shit, you know? Yeah. They got a petting zoo. Yes, the whole thing. We took the kids in there a couple weeks ago. See, I had no idea they existed. And and then a couple literally a couple weeks ago, maybe the same day we were down there. McConnell's ice cream was down there. Uh Mitch McConnell's ice cream. Yeah. Whatever. Sprinkle.
SPEAKER_00:What? What is freeze? Do you remember that thing he was doing? The fro froze.
SPEAKER_01:They got him off the camera so quick after that. They're like, you can literally never do another press conference as long as you live, which is approximately two and a half years. I mean, I think the problem was is that the problem with America, right? Dude, the fucking the Internet Explorer fucking the Doom to doom to doom. He just got Windows vistad so hard. I they fucked up by like being like no more on camera. What they should have done is doubled down and like got him a Twitch stream. They should have got him on. If they would have got Mitch McConnell and Kai Sinette, everything would have been fine. Yeah. Mitch McC uh iShow Speed feat Mitch McConnell. That was what they that was their strategy with Joe Biden, unfortunately. And that's fired spectacularly. iShow Speed does backflips until Mitch McConnell unfreezes. Well, if we they're c and i show speed's like, all right, let's keep back. How many backflips backflips can I do till he comes back? Ice cream's so good. Ice cream's so good. Ice cream, yeah, ice cream ice cream. Mitch McConnell's ice cream. Yeah. He's a good guy. Yeah, I think he was a competent guy back in the day, right? I don't know. It's hard to tell. The problem with getting really smart is that if you go, I'm gonna pick a side politically, then you get retarded again. No. Yes. I don't know what you mean, so I'm gonna say no. Yeah, you always risk once you attach an ideology to your intellect, you always risk dumbing yourself down. Well, most politicians are uh shameless, shiftless grifters. So it doesn't matter how smart you are, it's very obvious that you're just pining for the guy who's putting the most money in your back pocket.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, and whoever's gonna like give you the best hookup to get like uh secretly sucked off by something.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, it's not because so it's like yo, oh maybe maybe Mitch McConnell was super smart, but guess what? You know who's smarter? Uh frickin' Smith Wesson. What are you talking with the guns? With the guns? The gun guys? The gun guys? The gun guys and the the N R A lining his pockets for the last 40 years? Yeah. That's my N-word and R word. Is N R A, I'll tell you that. Come on. N-word, R word, A word. Yeah, exactly. That's a good podcast title. Yeah, yeah. N-word, R word, A word. Yeah. Yeah, fair. Yeah, you'd have to um put yeah, yeah, capitalize the NRA. Of course. We could make it work. We could look into it. Yeah. We'll ask our producer. Well, I I said to my wife that the N-word and the R-word and the A word happened to be the reason we got our summer house in the Hamptons. Yeah, exactly. The summer house in the Hamptons is pretty sweet. That's what they all got. Would you want to get I mean, one of these days we're gonna make it in this town. We're gonna get a nice summer house in the Hamptons. Wouldn't we want that? Wouldn't we not? Who yeah, of course. I'd love it to be an elite boy. It would be I I mean that in my mind, at this point in human history and civilization. Treat yourself, you know? Yeah, follow the money. Go to yeah, well go to Riyadh. I was telling my wife, I said, you know what? I've got morals, but more than that, I want I want to Summerhouse at Hamptons. Summer House in the Hamptons. I'd do Riyadh, take the backlash. All the all the big comics did it and you know said, I don't give a shit about morals or blood money or executed journalists. Well, I f I finally watched Louis on Bill Maher uh give his reason. Okay. So I didn't get invited, but you did. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:I mean, I don't know. I think it's a good opportunity. And uh, you know, they're they don't they it's But no one respects you anymore.
SPEAKER_01:No one cares about you. What'd you go jack off at some lady's uh kebab over there? It was actually very funny because they they mainly talked about his novel and and Bill Maher got him good where he was like, Yeah, you know, there's this there's this young boy, this like Huck Finn character that kind of goes about the world and learns, and you know, he he he he doesn't know much about things, and also there's a point in the book where he gets himself he he he sh uh explores himself sexually and he gets in a lot of a lot of trouble doing that. Where do you get your ideas? Yeah, I saw that clip. And Louis like uh they they say write what you know. Yeah, you're like, oh, that's perfect, you know. Yeah it was so fucking funny. That was fun. Uh I want to get that book, man. You know, really building it up. Yeah, but dude, that's the that's the pro, that's the that's the best argument for like don't come, is Louie was like, I stopped coming, unless it's like with a lady, and he's like, all I've been doing is writing novels down. He's already on another one. He's he's already almost finished with the second novel. I don't know if I buy into that whole like thing though. I I think it's not the come, it's the whatever the thing that's you know in your heart stops you. Like you're like, I could be more productive and more creative and live a more full life by not giving into this vice. Yeah. And you you abstain from whatever that vice is, I think you you become fuck it, it it can help you so much. Yeah. But the problem with you is you have a lot of like you have a lot of like low-grade vices. You don't have anything that's particularly ruining your life. No, I I can get it out of the way. Like it's like, oh, I want to have a drink, I have a drink, I'm done in 30 minutes. It's all gonna ruin your life eventually.
SPEAKER_02:So you have the worst version of it because you have smoking, you have drinking, uh, you have jerking off, uh, you have beating your kids. So you have all those four things.
SPEAKER_01:In that order. In that order. Smoke, drank, jerk, beating my kids. Yeah. And so I think that like uh inconsequential, those separate are in the short term.
SPEAKER_02:But over the course of 20, 30, 40 years, you go, what I could have done if I wasn't spending all this time with a cigarette in my mouth, uh auto blow on my cock, and a bottle of whiskey in my ass while I'm beating the shit out of my kids, you know.
SPEAKER_01:I'd have so much more time. I would have so much more time. You know, I've I've noticed certainly like if I don't start my days with busting a fat nut, my day is always better. That's crazy. I've never started my day doing the jacking off. I mean, maybe once. I'll because uh some would say that the libido is naturally higher in the morning. For a lot of men. Not everyone. Yeah, yeah. So you're not horny when you wake up? So here's the thing, and I don't know if we've talked about this in the pod. Obviously, everyone knows morning wood's a thing. Yeah, of course. But I will wake up like like truly, it feels like something is going to like my my skin is gonna break off of my dick. Like it is, it is ouch, ooh, oui, ooh, ouch, painful, worst pain of my life. Oh, that's right. You get painful boners, and could not be less horny. Truly even though even the most asexual aggressive boner, and I hate it, and it it's like, no, I don't want anything to do with this. It does not feel good. So, like it's like on a technical standpoint, the architecture is robust, but there is no pleasure. Zero pleasure, zero pleasure out of the robustness of the architecture. Really? Insane. My I have a cathedral and it wants to just fucking drip, you know?
SPEAKER_02:It wants to sweat come, you know what I mean?
SPEAKER_01:You're you're very lucky. You're very lucky that you have a really hurt penis in the morning because I think a lot of men are really horny in the morning, they go, well, let me just jack off. And then you that's like suddenly becomes their day.
SPEAKER_02:Why the amount of times I've started my day with the best part of my day. That's crazy. You know? Which is just a gnarly nut. And then I go, everything after that boring.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, well, I mean, and then obviously like we have different lives, but I don't I'm a cum slave and you're not, you know. Yeah, I mean you've If you do that enough times, then it just conditions your brain to think that that's the how how it works. Of course, and you gotta you gotta spend your you you you get you hit enough bottoms at multiple times and you go like this is not I've hit enough bottoms in my day. Come on now. Um you've only had like what two bottoms? Oh sure. Yeah. Oh, oh, oh, oh. I thought of this a bit. Uh ask me uh uh what what my body count is. What's your body count? Probably like seven hundred and sixty.
SPEAKER_02:What does that mean? You you had sex with seven hundred and sixty people?
SPEAKER_01:Oh no, just one. Where's the 760? That's how many times I've had sex.
SPEAKER_00:Oh. Oh, I thought you meant like how many times we've had sex.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I got you, gotcha. That's fun. That's a good little not a bad pit. That's a funny one.
SPEAKER_02:That's a funny one.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. Guy who doesn't understand what body count is, but is like, oh, yeah, no, for sure. No, just one.
SPEAKER_02:There is that one sketch from those guys um where uh everyone, it's the three people on like the couch and they're talking about their body counts, and then two of them are talking about their sexual body counts, and one of them is talking about like their literal murder. Yeah, he's like one, and then they're all like they're like seven. He's like, seven, you kill fucking you're freaking out. You killed seven people. He's like, I only killed one person. It was an accident. Who are those people?
SPEAKER_01:Uh it's like the white guy, you know, the white people with the sketch show. Yeah, was it Friday Beers or whatever? It's not Friday Beers. It's not almost Friday, it's um I don't know. The other one. It's the it's the white, nerdy guy with the glasses, like the blonde hair. It's the one where um like the other white guy without glasses goes up to him. There's the one of their big sketches, where it's like, he's like, Well, I, you know, it's my birthday, man. He's like, I want you to come. He's like, You want me to come? And he was like, Yeah, I really want you to. He's like, Why do you want me to? He's like, Because you're my friend. I love you, dude. I want you, I want, I really want you to come. He's like, You want me to? He's just freaking out, taking it, literally. I don't know, that one. So funny. Well, they got uh they I mean they were doing that shit forever, and then they they've I think they finally got they sold a movie or something like that. So Oh, please don't destroy. No, please don't destroy. Okay, then freaking fucking forget. Other white guys, there's so many white guys with sketch shows. Yeah, it's crazy. It's how we make it. And we talk shit, but then our friends go, we're gonna be a white guy sketch thing, and then they they go viral. We need to do it, is what I'm saying. Yeah, we're doing a a worse version of that, unfortunately. No, I think we uh Yeah, we're doing a worse version. I think we could still if we're serious, we could we could really we could really make it happen. Yeah, I well that's what yeah. Dude, our our sharks sketch we thought of the other day on the phone after we resolved our our fight. Crustables? No, uh the the um the reverse autoblow? The machine that bartends for you, and then they go, yeah, we've seen that and go, but it all will also sucks you off. Was this a thing that we thought of? Yes. I did not remember that. And all of a sudden they're holding these machines making them espresso martines while they're sucking them on. Oh, yeah, yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Shaking answered. You know, they're just like, yeah, they're I'll buy your old company if I'm a big no, you can keep the whole company, I'll still give$100,000. And then they all they all bust like, yeah. Fuck, I'm out. You know, I'm out, they're all I'm out, I'm out, I'm yeah, I'm out. I'm out, yeah. Once they bust, you know. Yeah. We could do that. Someone's gonna steal it now that we have it, you know. Good luck. Good luck. You're never gonna do it like us.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:You need real talent. What's stopping us from like uh building an empire? Time, money, and equipment. Will time, money, and equipment. What equipment will we need? Better cameras, better uh editing tools, better manpower. A boom mic? Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Well, how much would that equipment cost per se? Like five grand? Tops.
SPEAKER_01:Well, we got some Patreon money. Save it up, right? Yeah, not a lot. Not five grand. No. No. If we were getting Are we in the triple digits of our Patreon yet? No. Oh shit. Are we even close? We lost subscribers, didn't we? It's uh ebbs and flows. What ends up happening is people will subscribe to the Patreon being like, oh, it's like there's gonna be like they they take off each other's shirts and start making out, and they are disappointed after a month of not getting that.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, they think we're fucking each other in the Patreon.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, it's so funny. Oh shit.
SPEAKER_02:That's tough.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. Hate to break it to you, kids. Not gonna get that anytime soon. Unless you want to pass five grand. Yeah. Then yeah, all bets are naked. We'll kiss naked. Yeah. For sure. Blindf we'll do blindfold uh suck suck. Blindfold railroad crossing suck suck. Yeah, of course. Easy, you know. Um sounds oddly oriental.
SPEAKER_02:I like it. Um but yeah, I don't know. Did you write jokes for this episode? I did not. Alright, well, I'll save mine for next time then.
SPEAKER_01:That's good. Yeah, I was going to, uh, but then we ended up watching Zootopia. You ever see that one? Uh I didn't see Zootopia. It's pretty it's uh not just like I didn't watch it by myself, we watched it with the kids. Okay. And it's like this whole thing of like, oh, there's all these animals that live in this big like metropolitan city together. And it's like, yeah, they all live in harmony, there's like no real problems, but like, yeah, there are animals that used to be like like you know, lions and tigers and bears and stuff, but like some of them start to get like go like savage and like like attacking people. Yeah. And it ends up being this weird allegory for like racism in like society. Like don't judge them just because like sometimes they go savage, like something's going wrong in our society. Like it's this big conspiracy that like this mayor is trying to turn like some v animals violent in order to like get them kicked out of the city. Like all predators will be kicked out of the city because they potentially could be violent. Oh so like redlining a community? Like redlining like basically basically it's it's Zoopia is is basically the animal version of like we're gonna make Compton Right. Zootopia is basically like we we want to kick we want to do a Israel Palestine for ourselves. Nice. They want it the Gaza Strip is uh whatever the there's like Madagascar well because Zootopia has like eight different climate zones based on what animal you are so like there's like the Sahara zone district. Gotcha which would be Gaza Strip tease um that sounds fun. Yeah so it's just this funny like allegory of like are we going uh are we going uh red pill conservative influencer take on it we're going it's it's a woke movie is that is that what we're doing no it's like it's one of those things too and I kept trying to tell my wife this after the movie I was like it's like this I think the message really is like don't judge others based on how they look yeah but because of what Zootopia world is versus our reality the allegory doesn't quite translate equally because in their world there's predators in prey and the predators like it's not like they're oh it's only lions it's like anyone that like ever was a carnivore in like ancient history is like a predator so to speak. And but in our world people are racist against minorities. Yeah so the prey should be the minor those should be the disenfranchised one. But in this one the predators are the disenfranchised right right so it's this kind of funny like Do you think they did that on purpose and not make it seem like they're sending a message well I in my mind I go you you're making it seem like minorities are dangerous like unintentionally well not because the minorities are the prey in the movie aren't they or the minorities are the predators. No no no they're not saying anything about are lions white guys is what I'm asking. No it's like it's like oh black guys I don't that's not saying like I think that's what until unintentionally ends up happening is like the people who the the cops are after are these like rabid predators. Oh no right yeah so I go I think unintentionally here we're like sending some mixed messages about like what our society thinks about predators.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah yeah that must that should have been the tag to you uh just going after that cop is like by the way you should never call girls Barbie and also like Zootopia I know what you were trying to do.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah by the way I'm a predator yeah I'm actually a POC of a predator of color predator of color exactly yeah I'm a lion brother uh yeah I yeah so this is that was like a I guess I'm gonna have to watch it one of these days it's a good movie I watched an animated that's the one thing I'm excited for when I have kids is getting back into animated movies and cartoons because I haven't watched any of that shit. Yeah I think I went a solid 20 without like sitting down to watch a feature animated film. Because when you're in your 20s and 30s and you don't have kids it's sad to sit down. Unless you're doing it like ironically you're doing it like I'm you're you're 19 or you're 20 and then you're gonna see the Incredibles or you're seeing Toy Story 4 where you're like this was my childhood movie. Right you're going to the going to the movies is one thing but if you're at home by yourself and you go I want to watch Beauty and the Beast Yeah I'm gonna put on Aladdin with my autoblow you can't do that. You know all the jasmine. Who's mad at that you know all that jasmine is what he said jasmine I was gonna say live jasmine but it's already built in and it's two of the same thing. It's a double entendre. Yeah exactly it doesn't work you know yeah I don't know yeah I've been trying to like work on this bit right now where like Live Jasmine livejasmine.com is it that bad I'll show you my match if I do it or whatever if I am a jasmine on live jasmine if I wear a crystal burqa yeah uh black bear brown I just combine never mind a crystal burqa instead of a crystal ball no I don't want to get into it I'll explain off pod. Uh oh anyways those people like Disney adults are weird yeah but something that I'm finding is like in the same vein but weirder are like people who are like way too hard for the cops. Like people who are like like the there's their dad wasn't a cop their brother wasn't a cop but they're like I love the cops so much. Yeah it's like whoa why yeah what do you yeah what's going on there well yeah I mean any intersection without any cop connection and then you you there's a weird I'm not I'm I'm not like anti you know I I bartend at a place where cops come in all the time like off duty and they're all chill as fuck. Yeah yeah yeah but but but but I'm talking I'm not saying anything and then the the It's the fans of cops yeah it's not anything about the police nothing about the police it's everything about the people fandom so hard for the fandom I uh their fantasy football again it's it's like could you imagine if I was like oh my god I fucking love priests oh my god I love oh are you a practicing Catholic no no no no no just pick fan dad a priest no no I just fucking oh my god they're so they're so dedicated I I I love a man in uniform I love a man in uniform who doesn't fuck yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah exactly I love my celibate kings reads and doesn't come yeah and I just think we should have more priests and hears naughty secrets all day yeah and yeah it's uh it's a weird thing yeah like uh I'm trying to work out a bit it's not working and there's no legs and I hate it and I'll never do it again. I just the more or less like I I was driving up to do some gig up in Central California there's a car with bumper like stickers all over the back a bunch of anime stickers a bunch of thick anime titties and stuff like that and then smack dab in the middle of the flurry of anime stickers was a blue lives matter sticker. That's so funny. And I'm going exactly and I'm thinking like who is that person? Yeah. How did those things intersect? Yeah where it's like I I like I love the cops and also the Japanese that draw you know yeah yeah ain't nothing in this world but you know God guns and Goku you know yeah well and and the bit ends there ultimately like it's that's where do you go after that? You can't it's it's just it's just that it is funny that this person is a complex individual. Yeah exactly yeah and you can maybe do a comparison like oh where's the guy that's like you know Black Lives Matter but also uh is like pro only does missionary or whatever Black Lives Matter but only does missionary yeah I don't know what the what the opposite would be from Hentai Yeah you find a nice analogy you know I'm really bad at those in comedy I'm very bad at like oh that's like if blank and I never have anything. Really? I can't do those to save my life. Don't you do that with the like the grass is always greener isn't that an analogy more of an analogy it's more of a it's more of a uh innuendo sort of thing. The only analogy that I thought of that was deep the the only one I've done the cargo short one. That's the only good one that I've ever done. Yeah is yeah finding out blank that is like as like you know you thought your dad was a navy SEAL and he's like oh let's work to the or every time you do that joke I my mind goes oh yeah this is the joke where he does finding out your dad is a navy seal is like actually finding out oh actually he was just a guy who wore uh navy pants and was a circus seal at SeaWorld I should change the joke to that I think it's funnier funnier funnier no I'm joking it's dirty I'm joking that's a crazy thing to do to somebody is after they've worked out a bit for years be like hey by the way I think this would be funnier if you did it this way. Yeah yeah that that way did take me way too long but um that did I think I told you this on the phone and I'll say it again on pod I did a j I did a joke uh that I hadn't done in a while and I was a little clunkier and I did it in Long Beach and it's pretty offensive because I say the word retarded uh and it got a laugh but not as much as my other jokes in that set so it like stood out as like didn't do as well. Not the end of the world again fine set but I get off and the comic goes I think I know why that that vaccine joke didn't work oh yeah and I go huh the vaccine joke it it didn't it didn't do that well I said oh yeah well you know whatever and he goes oh no because of uh I think the I think the crowd knows he's like do you know about mesolothelial iloma no what does he say hypo god what was the term because I said it to you and you knew um uh myocarditis yeah he's like it's because of myocarditis yes and I'm like what are you talking about I went down the rabbit hole too so that's so funny and he's like he's like yeah the whole crowd is like oh it's not funny because of myocarditis that's why like the vaccine jumped and I go dude you're a conspiracy theorist that's not why the the crowd didn't laugh that much and he goes really I'm going up right now I'm gonna ask him and I said so good do it so good first thing on the mic yeah I was talking to RJ who's just on stage how many people in here know what myocarditis is dead silent not even the crickets said a word the only sound that you could hear was me absolutely doubling over laughing I was laughing so hard just dead silent funny what did he to his credit and he goes alright I guess I'm a conspiracy theorist yeah fuck me I'm a conspiracy at least at least he's got some self-awareness yeah exactly but yeah it was so it's such a funny thing I was so like what no I don't think that's it at all I think it was because the Long Beach crowd doesn't really want to laugh at the word retarded he's great he had a great set on the show a few weeks ago uh he he did real well and uh yeah he's also the same guy that uh he's great great guy he's also the same guy he had like a cr a Kratom phase and he was we've all got a KF Kratom phase and he was trying to like he's like trust me like this is real and he's like it's non it's non-habit forming trust me and then like literally like six months later I was like what happened to Krat He's like oh it's super habit forming I should have never done that I'm like I dude I almost bought some from you you answered so funny yeah it's super addictive yeah of course you know but it's uh yeah I gotta get my hands on some crater I gotta get my hands on an addictive substance that makes me better you know all my all my addictive substances just make me uh way more chill you know you too chill yeah everyone says RJ signs too chill too chill too chill signs too chill TCS dude yeah that's what happens anything anything you want to plug coming out this week no that wine bar shot other than a couple weeks eight hours of sleep uh yeah I plug in eight hours of sleep which I did not get last night um and uh yeah you're like the slept king brother you don't even know had a long day yeah I had a weird day um but uh yeah I can get some sleep tomorrow I'll be nice but yeah and then we have our roast in a couple weeks I have no idea what the fuck we're gonna do that we're gonna bomb that fucking thing okay with that attitude yeah um and then uh yeah I think I'm opening up for uh Louis C.K.
SPEAKER_02:Um later uh later when I manifest it so I'm gonna hit him up about that and and see what happens. You know I'll let you know for sure you know what about you? You got anything to plug?
SPEAKER_01:Uh I'm gonna be in Carlsbad next weekend and then we got the Rose and then I'm gonna be I actually I got a lot of bookings this month like we're gonna be gonna be in downtown the beach going to be in St. Clemeni gonna be uh at proof bar again in the fall at the end of the month. Nice in downtown Santa. Yep just a classic bunch of stuff then going to New York in November doing a bunch of shows out there going to be a good old good old ball oh gosh I have to race like a piss horse too it's so funny how I said I'm like oh I'm I'm I definitely have to uh it's gonna be bad and then I told you did not have to pee.
SPEAKER_02:Did not have to pee at all what happened. Well lucky you lucky us well that's the pod I'm just looking at a jacked hawkeye sent you motherfucker that guy what uh yes yeah that guy I naturally ran across your uh calf massage screaming video oh my god that's so it came on my algorithm it's insane it's so insane it's so funny it's so crazy that's a it's objectively hilarious yeah
